The Limits You Need You Never Considered
Hello
Imagine someone invited you to an event. You don’t wanna go. You tell the person,”I can’t. The older kids will be gone, but I’ll have my 8 year old.” Or, you say, “That’s the weekend my husband is off work. I can’t make it.”
The person says, “No worries, bring’em with you!” Now, you feel obligated to go to an event you didn’t want to attend. Periodt!
You gave excuses and they were taken away. Then, you start giving too much info and explain your husband is hardly ever off. You know ya’ll had nothing planned! Or, you were going to spend one-on-one time with the 8 yr old. You had planned to take a nap. You don’t want to say this.
You tell yourself you don’t want to be impolite or hurt anyone’s feelings. Declining an offer is ok if it doesn’t fit for you. You want to explain to soften the blow so the person won’t think poorly of you. You want to absorb any unwanted feelings the other person may have, that may not even exist, but they do in your mind. This is people-pleasing.
Explanations, or convincing mode, won’t please many folks. For some, your reasons will be insufficient no matter what you say.
Let’s bring it in on a smaller scale.
You’re scrolling social media. Folks see you’re actively commenting or posting. The person sends an inbox. You don’t respond. You may not be ‘busy” in the traditional sense of the word. Yet, you could be busy relaxing. This may be your 15 mins to “veg out” mentally from the day.
You don’t owe an explanation. Sometimes, the other 20 completed tasks consumed you. You’re out of fuel! You don’t need to convince anyone you have met your capacity for the day. Yet, you continue to persuade the person to accept your choice by giving more and more info in the hopes they’ll approve.
We’ve got 3 things for you to do to stop trying to satisfy others.
1. Pay attention when others go on and on about how they can’t do something. Offer a pass for them. Let them know they owe you no justification.
2. Notice yourself and see when you do it. Do you go into convincing mode with one specific person? When concerned about approval from others? Assess what triggers you.
3. Practice giving your reasoning in no more than 1-2 sentences. And stop! If a person insists, say, “Thank you.” Then, repeat the same reasoning again such as, “I appreciate it, but I’ll have to decline.” There is no reason for you to come up with another excuse until you get one the person accepts.
Did you ever equate these simple moments as you being a “Yes” person? It is!
See ya soon,
Hasan and Naaila
