How To Inspire A Man to Give Reassurances

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Anyone of you struggling with the silent treatment? How about the days of tension in the house after an argument? Or, your man gets salty and fails to send his sweet texts for about 3 days.

Maybe, he’s been quieter than usual. Did you do something? Was there an issue at work?

You wanna know that despite what life is delivering, ya’ll are good. The more you ask or seek to connect, he moves away. When he pulls away, you want a cue or the Liberty bell to ring signaling ya’ll remain solid.

Women want reassurance. For a woman, a relationship has regular membership requirements. Men think if they signed up to be with you, work hard to take care of you, do things you like and have loving actions…CHILL! We good!

Not you! You need him to re-certify his membership with you emotionally. When you express uncertainty about his membership status, i.e. commitment to you, he believes he’s done something wrong. Now, what do you believe happens when you repeatedly seek reassurance?

It isn’t a good look for the relationship. No man wants to feel he isn’t your Bae frequently.

When a man often shows care, understanding, and is committed, your need for reassurance is fulfilled. However, when he withdraws, even temporarily, your need for consolation shows up.

All relationships need moments of confirmation and reinforcement. A woman isn’t designed to toss this innate need. Take this one tip to get what you need.

Specifically, ask for what you want to hear.

“Bae, I know you have a lot of work to do. Can you let me know when you’re mentally bogged down by saying, ‘Hon, this evening, I’ll be at my desk all evening. Give be this time and know we’re good.’”

“Or, when we argue and you take a drive, I feel isolated. Before you go, will you tell me, ‘Dear, I’m gonna go get my head right. I love you and we’ll work this out when I get back’…”

This next part gets tricky. He may say it. Please do NOT respond by telling him it isn’t sincere or he only said it because you told him too. Accept his effort to please you. Men use words, but not the same way women do. The man is trying.

Let his effort reassure you he cares and is renewing his membership to the commitment with you. Isn’t this method better than being mad all day or not being able to focus all day due to overthinking and making assumptions?

If your answer is, “Yasss!,” practice and let us know what happens.

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Mind If We Help You Out With Feeling Like A Failure

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Hello You!

Feeling like a failure is a suffocating sensation. It’s the heavy weight that sits on your chest and the constant nagging voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough. It’s the frustration of seeing others succeed while you feel stuck in the same place. It’s the disappointment in yourself for not meeting your own expectations. It’s the fear of being judged by others and the shame of not living up to their standards.

But most of all, it’s the sense of hopelessness that comes with the belief you’ll never be able to turn things around. It’s a tough battle, but remember, failure is not the end. It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and come back stronger.

Maybe you believe achievement is the key to happiness. But achievement is never ending, because once you reach one goal, there is another one ahead.

Some people actually become “addicted” to the cycle of achievement. But instead of recognizing this as a flawed system, you may become frozen, passive, and feel like life is passing you by. Perhaps others’ opinions contribute to your negative feelings about yourself.

You may feel like a failure because you:

• have mistaken a flawed goal-obsessed system for a flaw in yourself.

• you are not meeting the expectations you set for yourself.

• do not believe you can create a good life.

• believe more in what others think than what you believe.

• constantly compare yourself to others.

• believe you are less competent than others in your field.

• think you are unintelligent.

• spend a lot of time scrolling through social media.

• were rejected by someone.

• tried something new and it did not work out. •

How can you stop feeling like a failure?

1. Change your perspective. You may be trapped in others’ perspectives and miss the fact that their points of view are unrealistic.

2. See life as a process, not a result. Focusing on results may not lead to satisfaction, so one way to shift your perspective is to enjoy the process. If you do not enjoy the process, you may want to revisit your goals! Be honest about what you enjoy and form your life choices around that. Explore activities that make you feel alive, clear-headed, and connected.

3. Minimize comparisons and “compare down.” Social media can make it hard to feel good about yourself when all you see is everyone else’s accomplishments. You will rarely see others’ struggles or setbacks. When you notice yourself making comparisons, bring your awareness back to your wins, big or small. If you do compare, look at your past self to see how far you have come. Avoid judging others while you check in with how far you have come. This can boost your mood and confidence.

4.Engage in self-compassion. Resist shutting down your feelings or shaming yourself. Holding a negative perception of yourself can lead to feeling defeated. Self-compassion is essential to turning the story around. Recite a script in your head when you feel like a failure. You might say, “I’m struggling with feeling like I’m a failure, but I am more than my feelings. I’m allowed to be unhappy sometimes. I’m working on it.”

5. Reframe your understanding of failure. Accept that everyone experiences failure or not getting what they want. What matters is how you learn from your experiences, how you bounce back, and if you choose to try again. Failure is something that happens, not a reflection of who you are as a person.

6. Risk failure. Failure is not the opposite of success – it is part of success. Gradually expose yourself to situations where you can succeed.

Imagine what you would do if you knew you could not fail.

See ya soon,
That Clay Couple

Living In Real Spaces Gives Room For Growth

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Folks believe a method for dealing with unhealthy thoughts is to stop thinking that way. Kinda shut it off like a light switch. There’s an issue with flipping the switch.

The lowdown dirty fact is flipping the switch doesn’t honor how you feel in the moment.

You feel something harmful from a current or past experience. Then, thoughts and beliefs come up around this moment. You try to reset your mind.

How many times have you been told this is the correct thing to do?
Overthinking and going down a maladaptive path isn’t good for anyone. However, we’ll also tell you not to dismiss what is really going on. You may be having a dusty moment!

We urge you to coach your way through a hard moment. Naa’ila does it often. She does it out loud, has hand motions and gives herself all she’s got! Yet, she’ll acknowledge she’s upset, sad, angry or hungry. There is no need to suppress how you authentically feel to fake positivity.

Forcing yourself to ignore/suppress emotions that are considered harmful is often because folks are uncomfortable with your unrefined and pure self-expression. An unwanted or harmful belief is real! Don’t ignore it because you’ve been conditioned to believe a natural human response is flawed.

Some moments are sad or have little room for a positive slant. And we’re gonna tell the truth about it.

Did your transmission go out?

Did the school call again?

Are you feeling uptight about the work meeting?

Do you have another sick child up at night?

Any one of these will mean something internally!

Listen to the cues within your body. God gave them to you for a reason.

Question for ya: How do you handle yourself when you have unwanted thoughts or feelings?

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naa’ila

Beginners Guide to A Trauma Bond

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A trauma bond is often a confusing term. Many have assumed it is merely a connection based on a traumatic event. However, this is not the case.

When Patrick Carnes created the term trauma bond, he defined it as the misuse of fear, excitement, and sexual feelings used to entrap or entangle another person.”

In simpler terms, the abuser has good moments of love that reinstate the victim’s feelings of hope and faith in the relationship.

However, this vicious cycle of abuse followed by hope for change creates a trauma bond relationship.

Escaping a trauma bond is difficult because of the heightened feeling of obligation to care for this person. The victim is blamed by the abuser for the relationship struggles or for not helping them get better. Thus, the victim can’t walk away.

In the attached video, the young lady chooses men with emotional deficits because growing up, her primary caregivers abandoned her. This man has told her to be patient while he continues his investment in all things except her. And she agreed. While waiting, she is devoid of a bond. She is committed in an uncommitted relationship. It’s all she knows to do.

She has a role to play here. Many have acted as she does. When the relationship ended, you swore the other person was a “narcissist.” You never considered it was about you and your repetitive compulsion to meet your unmet needs with familiar, but emotionally ill-equipped folks.

There are several signs to look for within a relationship to determine if it is a trauma bond.

Signs of a trauma bond are:

1. Intermittent cycles of abuse followed by hopeful, loving periods of temporary change

2. Power imbalances

3. You defend the person’s bad behaviors

4. You remain loyal even to your detriment

5. You protect anyone from correcting the person mistreating you

The victim puts up with the endless promises of change, apologies and blow ups. This is because they have moments where their hope is up due to the abuser says all the right things.

The reality of the cycle never changes. Yet, the hope stays. Tell us your thoughts about this one.

See ya soon,

That Clay Couple