Unlock Your Inner Strength with Boundaries…Free Course Loading!

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Hello You

Life can be filled with hard emotional knocks and navigating relationships can be particularly difficult without a solid foundation of resilience and healthy boundaries. You understand the importance of developing these traits to lead a fulfilling life. One way you know is because you’ve bumped into the angst of living without boundaries!

How many times have you avoided a conversation because you lacked the emotional bandwidth to deal with the potential reaction of the other person?  Sounds like this person may have you trained! But this is not where genuine relationships are built. Your balance is on the other side of the conversation that isn’t being had.

Sometimes, you pray the matter will go away, without having to say anything at all. Prayer is a great method, but it still requires action on your part. God doesn’t need your help, but He is looking for your investment.

What if you could develop the inner strength to manage difficult emotions with grace and composure even when the topic is hard? Boundaries are needed for you to express your feelings and needs. But there is something that happens…You don’t say anything because you don’t know how to come across without hurting someone’s feelings, or you don’t want the clap back or you don’t want all of the questions…So you stay quiet.

Learning your boundaries and practical ways to say them paves the way for deeper connections without the fear of judgment or rejection.

Do you want to be about that life?

The benefits extend beyond the obvious benefits. Get a higher sense of purpose and meaning. Doesn’t this sound enticing? How far could this goodness actually go?

Our upcoming class, “The Boundaries Blueprint” is designed to develop these essential traits on April 27, 2023 at 8 pm EST. No replay option!

In this class you click out with the following gems:

  1. A practical assessment to know if your boundaries are intact, too loose or nonexistent!

  1. Scripts to be used in relationships to say what needs to be said in a way you never considered…with directness and compassion.

  2. Ways to overcome 2 Powerful Boundary Blockers: Shame and Judgement

Don’t let the challenges of relationships hold you back from living your best life. Enroll in our boundaries class today. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to grow as a person and overcome challenges in your relationships.

See ya soon,

Hasan and Naaila
Register Here

How Fear of Getting Hurt is Blocking Your Love Life (And What You Can Do About It)

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Hello You!

Let’s talk about something that we’ve all probably experienced at one time or another: the fear of getting hurt in a relationship.

We’ve all been there, right? We start to get close to someone, and suddenly our mind starts racing with all kinds of worst-case scenarios.

What if they don’t like us as much as we like them?

What if they break our heart?

Well, here’s the thing: when we let fear control our actions, we end up putting up walls that block authentic interactions.  Anyone ever sat with someone and spent the entire time talking about a bunch of nothing because you were too afraid to reveal anything personal?

When it was over, you slapped your forehead at the loss of time you could not get back!

But here’s the good news: there’s a way to overcome this fear and build real connections with others. And it’s something that’s rarely talked about: practicing radical honesty. This means being upfront and honest about our thoughts, feelings, and desires, even if it feels uncomfortable or scary.

For example, if you’re afraid of getting hurt, you could say something like, “Hey, I’m like spending time with you, but I’m also a little scared because I’ve been hurt in the past.” It might feel vulnerable, but it opens up the opportunity for a deeper connection and understanding. Basically, one way to break through the cold iciness  of fear is via shared vulnerability. When two people are transparent about an uncomfortable moment, it builds an empathetic alliance quickly.

Let’s break down those walls and practice some radical honesty, y’all!

Who knows, you might just find the real genuine interactions you’ve been looking for.

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Finding Boundaries & Inner Peace With A Narcissistic Mother

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Hello You!

Loving a narcissistic mother can be a heart-wrenching struggle. She always has to be the center of attention, even if it means putting you down or embarrassing you. It’s frustrating. It’s hurtful. Yet, you keep being told, “She’s your mother…”

It doesn’t feel fair! No one should get a pass on good behavior including mothers!

Don’t worry, my friend, there are ways to deal with this tricky situation.

Tip 1: Don’t engage in the drama. Your narcissistic mother wants a reaction from you. Don’t give her one. If she tries to start an argument or says something hurtful, take a deep breath, remain calm and not engage! Remember her words and actions are not a reflection of your worth. This can look like maintaining eye contact for several seconds after a comment is made, in silence.

Tip 2: Your mother’s behavior may be embarrassing, but it’s important to protect your emotional well-being. Decide what behaviors you will and will not tolerate, and stick to them. Communicate these boundaries to your mother in a calm and assertive manner. Need help? Naaila can surely assist you with this one!

For example, you might say, “Mom, I love you, but I can’t tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully. If you continue to speak to me that way, I’ll need to end the conversation/leave the room/hang up the phone.”

She may never respect your boundaries, but you must! Set the pattern of knowing she loses access to you in the moment if she continues.

Tip 3: Find humor in the situation. It may sound counterintuitive, but finding humor in your mother’s narcissistic behavior can help diffuse the tension. Laughing at her ridiculousness can take back some of your power and remind yourself that you’re not the crazy one. There is some truth to “laughing to keep from crying.”

Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. There are many others who have experienced similar challenges and have found ways to cope and thrive. Email info@ThatClayCouple.com to set up a few sessions to heal your mother wound.

You deserve to be happy and loved, and you have the power to create that for yourself.

See you soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

When Words Fail You

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Hello You

Communication is the lifeblood of our relationships, whether personal or professional. No one teaches you how to do it. You kinda pick it up from others in life.

It is the glue that binds us, the foundation on which we build trust, respect, and love. Good communication is not simply about sharing information, but about expressing our deepest emotions and desires, our fears and hopes. It is about being vulnerable and authentic, and truly listening to the other person. Good communication ain’t always easy, especially when emotions are run high.

We’ve got a few basic L.U.V.E. reminders to get you through:

Use the L.U.V.E. technique when listening as the receiver.

a) Listen with your ears, eyes, and heart to understand the other person’s feelings. Imagine what they are experiencing and comment or nod to show them you are listening. Do not speak unless you want to ask a question. This is not the time to defend yourself or to correct their story.

b) Understanding has a look.Show it by repeating back the main ideas in your own words to show them you understand. This is not for you to regurgitate what was said, syllable by syllable to prove you heard it…and so you can speak. Remain curious about their intention and your role.

c) Validate by expressing empathy for their feelings, circumstances, or point of view even if you disagree.

d) Express confidence in finding solutions if they have a problem or challenge. This is particularly important when your suggestions are not accepted in the moment.

You can use this with your mother, a colleague or your spouse. The basics don’t change. Try ALL of them and let us know what happens.

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Navigating the Adolescent Years with Empathy and Compassion

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Hello You

Parenting teens can feel like navigating a labyrinth of hormones, emotions, and eye-rolls. Amidst the chaos, misconceptions about parenting adolescents can leave parents feeling lost and frustrated. It is hard to know who to ask for help. You don’t want to appear lost in the parenting maze, but here you are!

Let’s explore two common misconceptions and how we can approach them with empathy and compassion:

  1. Misconception: Teenagers are rebellious and ungrateful. Truth: Adolescence is a time of intense physical, emotional, and cognitive growth. Brain development does not complete until age 25. Thus, saying, “I know you know better” may be true, but the method in which your teachings are being processed isn’t biologically working with you. Teens are seeking independence and autonomy, but they still need guidance. We call it the practice run for adulting that has someone paying the bills for you!

What to do: Approach your teenager with understanding and patience. Encourage open communication and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. This means you may have to hear information you don’t want.

For a teen to trust you, he or she will have to know they won’t be in trouble when sharing secrets and desires with you. Validate their emotions. Be present for them during this tumultuous time. Develop a “family hand symbol” for you and the teen to use to signal a break is needed.

  1. Misconception: Strict parenting is the best way to keep teens in line. Truth: While setting boundaries is essential, overly strict parenting can strain the parent-teen relationship and hinder the development of independence and decision-making skills.

What to do: Strive for a balance between providing structure and allowing autonomy. Collaborate with your teen to establish rules and consequences, ensuring they understand the reasoning behind them. Don’t have so many rules the teen feels suffocated with no hope for earning privileges or trust. Encourage your teen to take responsibility for their actions and learn from their mistakes. Please, practice what you preach. You don’t always know everything. Offer guidance while giving them space to explore their identity and make decisions.

By striking a balance between structure and autonomy, parents and teens can flow smoothly within this complex stage of life. Remember, the teenage years are a time of growth and discovery, not just for your child, but for you as a parent too. Embrace the journey together and cherish the memories you create along the way.

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Parenting Bloopers: Finding Humor Amidst Judgment and Chaos

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Hello Parent!

Parenting is a beautiful rollercoaster of joy, frustration, and “Why is there peanut butter on the ceiling?”. I remember when our daughter drew purple hearts on our white cat. Whhhhhy?

Or, during a family movie night, noticing our son and daughter pulling french fries from the pockets of their jammies. We hadn’t had french fries for dinner. Where’d they come from? How long have they been in there?

As we navigate this whirlwind, judgment from family and friends can add to the chaos. Everyone else knows what is best for your child, but actually know so little. Sure, as a relative, you may have confided in them a bit, but they don’t know your son or daughter as you do. You may have intentionally withheld information because you’re private or, you want to protect the integrity of your family unit. You owe no one an explanation.

Let’s explore three situations where parents might feel judged and how humor can come to the rescue:

  1. Parenting Style Showdown: When Grandma raises an eyebrow at your “modern” disciplinary methods, it’s tough not to feel judged. I recall being told I wasn’t “training my son right” because I took a class to learn other forms of discipline. Diffuse the tension with humor. Say something like, “Grandma, don’t worry. Our next family meeting will include an entire sermon, with a choir, on parenting styles!”. Laughter can remind everyone that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to raising kids.

  2. The Milestone Olympics: Comparing children’s milestones turns parenting into a high-stakes competition. When Cousin Cherie brags about her child’s early potty training, reply with a grin, “That’s great! Our little one is currently mastering the art of abstract finger painting on walls!” Embracing the absurdity of comparisons helps maintain perspective. Everyone has milestones. They don’t have to include commonalities, or exceed that of others to be special.

  3. Unsolicited Advice Avalanche: From sleep training to screen time, everyone has an opinion. When your friend insists that her parenting podcast is the gospel truth playfully retort, “Amazing! Can I binge-listen while I fold this mountain of laundry?” Using humor reinforces your boundaries and keeps the atmosphere light. You get to choose the parenting resources of your choice. No one gets to bully you, or shame you, to use their methods.

To overcome judgment, surround yourself with a cool network of like-minded parents who appreciate the ups and downs of parenting. Practice self-compassion, knowing that you’re doing your best. Join FB groups and solicit information. Learn from the mistakes of others. Remember, laughter is the best medicine for turning those parenting bloopers into cherished memories.

See ya soon,

THE HIM & Naaila

How To Inspire A Man to Give Reassurances

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Anyone of you struggling with the silent treatment? How about the days of tension in the house after an argument? Or, your man gets salty and fails to send his sweet texts for about 3 days.

Maybe, he’s been quieter than usual. Did you do something? Was there an issue at work?

You wanna know that despite what life is delivering, ya’ll are good. The more you ask or seek to connect, he moves away. When he pulls away, you want a cue or the Liberty bell to ring signaling ya’ll remain solid.

Women want reassurance. For a woman, a relationship has regular membership requirements. Men think if they signed up to be with you, work hard to take care of you, do things you like and have loving actions…CHILL! We good!

Not you! You need him to re-certify his membership with you emotionally. When you express uncertainty about his membership status, i.e. commitment to you, he believes he’s done something wrong. Now, what do you believe happens when you repeatedly seek reassurance?

It isn’t a good look for the relationship. No man wants to feel he isn’t your Bae frequently.

When a man often shows care, understanding, and is committed, your need for reassurance is fulfilled. However, when he withdraws, even temporarily, your need for consolation shows up.

All relationships need moments of confirmation and reinforcement. A woman isn’t designed to toss this innate need. Take this one tip to get what you need.

Specifically, ask for what you want to hear.

“Bae, I know you have a lot of work to do. Can you let me know when you’re mentally bogged down by saying, ‘Hon, this evening, I’ll be at my desk all evening. Give be this time and know we’re good.’”

“Or, when we argue and you take a drive, I feel isolated. Before you go, will you tell me, ‘Dear, I’m gonna go get my head right. I love you and we’ll work this out when I get back’…”

This next part gets tricky. He may say it. Please do NOT respond by telling him it isn’t sincere or he only said it because you told him too. Accept his effort to please you. Men use words, but not the same way women do. The man is trying.

Let his effort reassure you he cares and is renewing his membership to the commitment with you. Isn’t this method better than being mad all day or not being able to focus all day due to overthinking and making assumptions?

If your answer is, “Yasss!,” practice and let us know what happens.

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Mind If We Help You Out With Feeling Like A Failure

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Hello You!

Feeling like a failure is a suffocating sensation. It’s the heavy weight that sits on your chest and the constant nagging voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough. It’s the frustration of seeing others succeed while you feel stuck in the same place. It’s the disappointment in yourself for not meeting your own expectations. It’s the fear of being judged by others and the shame of not living up to their standards.

But most of all, it’s the sense of hopelessness that comes with the belief you’ll never be able to turn things around. It’s a tough battle, but remember, failure is not the end. It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and come back stronger.

Maybe you believe achievement is the key to happiness. But achievement is never ending, because once you reach one goal, there is another one ahead.

Some people actually become “addicted” to the cycle of achievement. But instead of recognizing this as a flawed system, you may become frozen, passive, and feel like life is passing you by. Perhaps others’ opinions contribute to your negative feelings about yourself.

You may feel like a failure because you:

• have mistaken a flawed goal-obsessed system for a flaw in yourself.

• you are not meeting the expectations you set for yourself.

• do not believe you can create a good life.

• believe more in what others think than what you believe.

• constantly compare yourself to others.

• believe you are less competent than others in your field.

• think you are unintelligent.

• spend a lot of time scrolling through social media.

• were rejected by someone.

• tried something new and it did not work out. •

How can you stop feeling like a failure?

1. Change your perspective. You may be trapped in others’ perspectives and miss the fact that their points of view are unrealistic.

2. See life as a process, not a result. Focusing on results may not lead to satisfaction, so one way to shift your perspective is to enjoy the process. If you do not enjoy the process, you may want to revisit your goals! Be honest about what you enjoy and form your life choices around that. Explore activities that make you feel alive, clear-headed, and connected.

3. Minimize comparisons and “compare down.” Social media can make it hard to feel good about yourself when all you see is everyone else’s accomplishments. You will rarely see others’ struggles or setbacks. When you notice yourself making comparisons, bring your awareness back to your wins, big or small. If you do compare, look at your past self to see how far you have come. Avoid judging others while you check in with how far you have come. This can boost your mood and confidence.

4.Engage in self-compassion. Resist shutting down your feelings or shaming yourself. Holding a negative perception of yourself can lead to feeling defeated. Self-compassion is essential to turning the story around. Recite a script in your head when you feel like a failure. You might say, “I’m struggling with feeling like I’m a failure, but I am more than my feelings. I’m allowed to be unhappy sometimes. I’m working on it.”

5. Reframe your understanding of failure. Accept that everyone experiences failure or not getting what they want. What matters is how you learn from your experiences, how you bounce back, and if you choose to try again. Failure is something that happens, not a reflection of who you are as a person.

6. Risk failure. Failure is not the opposite of success – it is part of success. Gradually expose yourself to situations where you can succeed.

Imagine what you would do if you knew you could not fail.

See ya soon,
That Clay Couple

Living In Real Spaces Gives Room For Growth

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Folks believe a method for dealing with unhealthy thoughts is to stop thinking that way. Kinda shut it off like a light switch. There’s an issue with flipping the switch.

The lowdown dirty fact is flipping the switch doesn’t honor how you feel in the moment.

You feel something harmful from a current or past experience. Then, thoughts and beliefs come up around this moment. You try to reset your mind.

How many times have you been told this is the correct thing to do?
Overthinking and going down a maladaptive path isn’t good for anyone. However, we’ll also tell you not to dismiss what is really going on. You may be having a dusty moment!

We urge you to coach your way through a hard moment. Naa’ila does it often. She does it out loud, has hand motions and gives herself all she’s got! Yet, she’ll acknowledge she’s upset, sad, angry or hungry. There is no need to suppress how you authentically feel to fake positivity.

Forcing yourself to ignore/suppress emotions that are considered harmful is often because folks are uncomfortable with your unrefined and pure self-expression. An unwanted or harmful belief is real! Don’t ignore it because you’ve been conditioned to believe a natural human response is flawed.

Some moments are sad or have little room for a positive slant. And we’re gonna tell the truth about it.

Did your transmission go out?

Did the school call again?

Are you feeling uptight about the work meeting?

Do you have another sick child up at night?

Any one of these will mean something internally!

Listen to the cues within your body. God gave them to you for a reason.

Question for ya: How do you handle yourself when you have unwanted thoughts or feelings?

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naa’ila

Beginners Guide to A Trauma Bond

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A trauma bond is often a confusing term. Many have assumed it is merely a connection based on a traumatic event. However, this is not the case.

When Patrick Carnes created the term trauma bond, he defined it as the misuse of fear, excitement, and sexual feelings used to entrap or entangle another person.”

In simpler terms, the abuser has good moments of love that reinstate the victim’s feelings of hope and faith in the relationship.

However, this vicious cycle of abuse followed by hope for change creates a trauma bond relationship.

Escaping a trauma bond is difficult because of the heightened feeling of obligation to care for this person. The victim is blamed by the abuser for the relationship struggles or for not helping them get better. Thus, the victim can’t walk away.

In the attached video, the young lady chooses men with emotional deficits because growing up, her primary caregivers abandoned her. This man has told her to be patient while he continues his investment in all things except her. And she agreed. While waiting, she is devoid of a bond. She is committed in an uncommitted relationship. It’s all she knows to do.

She has a role to play here. Many have acted as she does. When the relationship ended, you swore the other person was a “narcissist.” You never considered it was about you and your repetitive compulsion to meet your unmet needs with familiar, but emotionally ill-equipped folks.

There are several signs to look for within a relationship to determine if it is a trauma bond.

Signs of a trauma bond are:

1. Intermittent cycles of abuse followed by hopeful, loving periods of temporary change

2. Power imbalances

3. You defend the person’s bad behaviors

4. You remain loyal even to your detriment

5. You protect anyone from correcting the person mistreating you

The victim puts up with the endless promises of change, apologies and blow ups. This is because they have moments where their hope is up due to the abuser says all the right things.

The reality of the cycle never changes. Yet, the hope stays. Tell us your thoughts about this one.

See ya soon,

That Clay Couple