How To Get Rid of A Communication Crunch

Hello You!

Communication is a foundation of any valuable relationship. Do you agree? It isn’t the main one. Commitment is required before anyone says a what. We’re gonna give you 2 changes you can pledge to do right now!

Men and women often labor to powwow effectively with each other, which can lead to frustration, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship itself. The biggest issue we see is miscommunication! Even silence is communication. The quiet speaks volumes to a heart and the entire room!

One of the main reasons for this is the difference in communication styles between men and women. Men tend to be more direct and solution-oriented. Are you a man who’ll agree because you “Don’t want to get nothing started?” Not having a complete conversation and invalidating someone is a guarantee for something to pop off! Women tend to communicate more indirectly and seek emotional validation. This can lead to misunderstandings, as men may feel women are being overly emotional. Women may feel that men are being mean. Sadly, we live in a world where the display of observable emotions and sentiments is frowned upon. Displaying feelings makes you human and relatable.

Another factor that can contribute to communication snafus between men and women is societal conditioning. Men are frequently exposed to the belief it is manly to be stoic and unemotional.

In a prior blog, we even shared how men are wired to have a mental detox after being vulnerable. Women are encouraged to express their emotions freely. For them, it gives comfort and connection.

This can lead to a situation where men feel uncomfortable discussing feelings. Women believe their emotions are not being heard or validated.

So, how can men and women overcome these communication barriers and connect with each other on a deeper level? Here are two tips that can help:

  1. Practice active listening: When your partner is speaking, make a conscious effort to listen attentively and empathetically. This means putting aside your own thoughts and feelings and really trying to understand where your partner is coming from. Don’t interrupt or dismiss their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.

  2. Simply acknowledge their emotions and let them know that you’re there to meet the need being presented. Ya’ll see that in bold? You have to do more than look attentive or putting the phone down. Take the next step and recognize where the person is. Waaay too many times, this is the moment where someone is blamed for having an emotion or their emotional expression is met with, “I don’t know why you feel that way….Get over yourself…That’s your problem…”

  3. Don’t assume Bae knows what you’re thinking or feeling because you’ve heard this problem or concern before. Having heard a topic before is a key indication it ain’t resolved because you’re hearing it again. Read that again! A repeat issue is a repetitive matter needing more attention. Express yourself clearly and honestly. Ask questions. Find out what Bae needs from you to put the matter to rest. Similarly, women should also strive to be more direct in their communication, particularly when it comes to expressing their needs and boundaries.

a woman laying down on the grass with her head on her chest

What is the gap between what we suggest and where you are now? Close it in!

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

How To Know If You Have An Emotional Connection

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Have you ever heard or said, “I just don’t feel it….”

Some folks consider this a snide remark, but this is a common relationship issue. The “IT” factor of your relationship loses the spark or you never developed one for the person.

What does it mean to have an emotional connection?To be in emotional alignment means a sensation of affinity for another person transcends words or a physical attraction. It is more than date nights or Baecations. The magnetism feels uniquely secure and has depth.This craving for a secure and reliable tie with another begins in infancy. Children have this exact need. As humans, we want a sense of belonging.

Not ensuring and securing this in your relationship, repeatedly, takes ya’ll places you don’t wanna go!

Here are some cues that say an emotional connection exists:

  1. You do more than listen to the words the other person says. You hear and seek to understand. When you hear a critique or concern, you don’t dismiss it, become defensive or say, “That’s not true.” You give your full attention, be present, seek to understand and to ask questions about what Bae feels.

    Now, folks that is how you listen to someone. Lots of folks are weak in this area. Err’body listens until they don’t wanna hear no mo’!

  2. Ya’ll find a way to see the lessons learned in conflict. Err’one disagrees at times. Each of you will need to stay present, not throw too much info at one time, and then, see what can be overcome through this conflict. What errors were made? What can each of you do differently next time? Make the moment a goldmine and not an emotional landmine.

  1. You’re invested or cooperating with the other person’s interests even if it’s not your thing. It feels good to have common hobbies, but it won’t be a perfect match. While you may not want to go with Bae to pick out fabric for a sewing project, you’re willing to take her to a play on the opening night. When you care for someone, you contribute to things important to them in many ways. It is because you like the person even if you’re not enthused about the activity.

Another thing we want you to notice is this goes beyond romantic relationships. These are things to do in any healthy relationship! It anchors the two of you into each other on another level.

You are hardwired to be tapped into each other. Invest in our growth-oriented virtual class for those wanting to plug into the cues to plant an actual bond. It is holistically designed to nourish the highest parts of each of you. Touch on the link for the info cause time is running out! Don’t let this uplifting deal pass by!

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

Did You Lose The Desire To Be Friendly?

Hello You

There are folks who paused on making friends prior to the pandemic. We get it. Being friendly and socializing requires ongoing effort and trusting new folks can be hard. When I moved to Atlanta in 2013, I cried daily for 3 months.

I wanted to be with THE HIM, but I missed the village I left behind in North Carolina. He used to tell me he got tired of me talking about how different NC was from Atlanta. Wasn’t my fault NC Village showed me love for over 20 years! Hee Hee!

THE HIM reiterated the hospitality extended to him from the same group often. I wasn’t lying!

I had to learn how to meet new folks while holding on the relationships I had at home. It’s been over 10 years and I have done so, but it took time. I’m still not good about cold-calling friends. I’m not inclined to call folks up and extend an invitation unless I’ve known you for a very very long time. More than 10 yrs!

For what reason? I dunno. On the other hand, if you hit me up, I’m probably gonna be down to roll out with you!

Common beliefs about being sociable…

1. It requires time you don’t have

Time will be needed to share with another person, but you can also make a decision on the amount of “friend space” you have to share. Maybe you can meet someone for tea or lunch, but you can’t kick it on a Saturday evening. You don’t have the social bandwidth for it. Do what you can. Dassit.

2. The fear of rejection

Ain’t nobody trying to put themselves in a vulnerable position for someone to deny their friendship invite! If its someone you’ve known a long time, you may believe it’s been way too long to reach out. Not so! There’s no time better than now! Life is too short not to let folks know they matter to you.

Someone new may give decline an invite. It’s ok. You have done the same before due to your own lifestyle. This never means you are being turned away. Your offer may not be accepted, but your friendship may be under different circumstances or day/time.

3. Nothing happened to your friendships except you allowed them to fade

Relationships require nourishment. If you don’t feed anything into your friendships you’ll lose them. With real social connections, you’ll need to do more than wish someone “HPB” with an emoji on social media. Contact folks for no reason at all. Don’t offer excuses for the social distance between the two of you. Pick up from where you are at that moment!

Now, if you continually lose friends, it may be time to self-reflect. What messages are you giving others? Would you be your friend?

Relationships matter. They help you live longer. They give life meaning. They echo the good you give back to you. Go build yours!

See ya soon,

THE HIM and Naaila

The Cost of Riding the Middle Lane

Did a parent or anyone ever remind you to follow the rules? Rules are everywhere and often, are definitively detailed.

Don’t sit here.
Don’t trespass.
No shirt or shoes-no service.

These are all kinda self-explanatory. There are also the middle ground areas.

Such as…

Wear your mask at all times UNLESS fully vaccinated or with an exemption.

You must make your bed as soon as you get up each morning.

You have to pray on your knees.

Then, we have the things considered culturally and spiritually incorrect. For example, one should not disrespect a parent. However, disrespect is defined differently by each person/family.

We can likely agree, disrespecting Momma ain’t gonna be ok. But many things in life fall into these undefined areas like making the bed and prayer. When things are not clear, it can be difficult to make a decision. It is natural to lean away from the choice causing the most sting, but when the sting is unknown and unclear, you won’t avoid what you have no knowledge of.

Growing up, you could wear Winter white from Labor Day to Easter Sunday. On, and after, Easter Sunday, a classy lady knew she could wear white, in all its pure glory, until Labor Day. Welp, I have seen many who don’t subscribe to this fashion faux pas anymore! And it’s ok. There are many fashion alternations one can choose. There is no right or wrong white to wear.
It’s a middle ground.

We’re sure someone has made this old fashion rules their personal mantra. It’s actually a preference, but folks seem to cross the lines of preferences and requirements.

If I prefer it, it must be right!

WRONG! There is no reason for you to put unnecessary mandates on yourself, and others, to be right when what is right is up to you.

How often have you allowed someone to remove this choice from you? Have you let someone impose their stance for what is right or wrong on you? Let’s take some steps to keep this from happening again.

1. Remind yourself your individuality matters. If it isn’t sinful, illegal or with poor intent, you can make it an option for you. Do what works for you.

2. Give yourself permission to try something new.

3. Be gracious with yourself if you’re temporarily wrong. If you’re self-aware, you’ll be wrong for a limited time only. See your error and make a correction from where you are.  You can elect to have the life you want based on who you are and your values without putting emphasis on having the absolute right answer. You’re not always going to know. And, it isn’t always necessary.

The only thing you must do is make a balanced healthy choice for yourself.

See ya soon,

Hasan and Naaila

The Color Of Red Flags

Hello

Painful moments are cues. They give us signals. Kinda like a stop sign. If you were to see a stop sign without any letters, you would innately have the mind to stop. The color and shape of the stop sign give a message.

People give messages too.

Red flags are messages. A red flag could mean, “This ain’t what you want!” Or, it could a lighter message such as, “I need to look at this deeper.”

When you fail to adhere to the signal the red flag sends, you put yourself at risk. Many folks don’t want to read the emotional message behind a red flag. So, a person decides to change the red flag code to mean, “Aww, it’s gonna be ok.” No red flag ever told you to give it a new definition. You may decide you’re colorblind and aren’t sure the color is red.

Folks come up with an array of reasons not to respond appropriately. Some reasons are because you believe…

…the person will change for you

…you can change the person

…the person promised to change and you gave them repetitive chances

One of the things we want you to walk away with is a person displaying unacceptable behavior for you isn’t always a bad person. This simply isn’t YOUR PERSON.

When you see the flaming red signs from a colleague, a family member or a friend, establish a boundary to safeguard yourself. If not, you could end up in a relationship or place you don’t wanna be. All because you didn’t heed the warning signs. You’re worth so much more!

See ya soon,

THE HIM & Naaila

Where’d This Come From?

Hello

Have you been bungee jumping or you won’t go because you’re terrified? For those who have children, were you concerned about the terrible two’s before they began?

Has there been a chance you wanted to take or a job you wanted to apply for until someone rattled off the risks?
Before covid, I tried hard to get Hasan to go on a cruise with me. He wouldn’t do it! He told himself he’d die, in the middle of the cruise, and be tossed overboard.

Now, how did he come up with this story? Who knows! LOL.
Was it a movie? Something he heard? Doesn’t really matter. What we know for sure is a perceived fear, without sound facts, held Hasan, and you, back.

A few years back, as Hasan was going blind, due to the rawness, scariness and the unknown of the process, information came in from everywhere and everyone. Of course, Hasan did his own research about his circumstances. Then, the other folks came in!

Everyone had a cousin with a cure. There was a product that could restore his sight because their Uncle’s sight returned. There was a drink, an herb, or some natural doctor to go and see.
I can’t say all of them were dismissed because they weren’t, but at some point, Hasan had to stop!

The reason was that folks were giving advice, with minimal information, no medical expertise or awareness of his condition, but in response to THEIR fear of Hasan going blind. The intent was kind. But let’s keep it a hunnit.

Is this how you give out medical recommendations or referrals?
It isn’t.
But when you’re afraid, this is what you do. You look for ways to make the discomfort go away even if the problem doesn’t.

Consider doing this before jumping aboard the “FEAR ME SHIP“….

Get the facts for root of your fear.

Identify your anxiety. Your feeling is real, but is the origin of it sound?

Is the person who gave you the info the real deal?

Does the other person’s situation connect to your own or is their situation different?

Do you have the whole story as best you can? Is your anxiety feeding off of a specific detail? Look at what has you hung up. Another person’s negative moment does not have to be your own. Making decisions or believing that what happened to another will happen to you isn’t so.

That’s their narrative! You can create a different one for yourself as long as you don’t get caught in another person’s story.
Be mindful of the way you speak to others so your limits and afraid experiences won’t be transferred to them. Let us know how you do!

See ya soon,
Hasan and Naaila

Dang…Somebody Tried To Get Her Coins!

Hello

It’s a short and sweet reason why we’re up at 3 am creating gratitude action plans for ya’ll.
It’s cause ya’ll matter to us.

We have a philosophy we try to keep. Never to give someone a resource they can’t use. It’s like giving someone the recipe and all of the ingredients for tuna salad without providing the tuna. What’re they gonna do with that?

Someone, other than us, referred a client to a gratitude app. Our client was geeked up and rarin’ to go. It’s a new year. The person had a fresh attitude. It was ON! Then, she learned the gratitude app had a fee. She requested other options from us. Because we know her, we kinda sorta felt like we knew what would be her best gratitude upgrade.

We couldn’t find anything we liked. So we made one. She’s gonna get a copy and you too! We’re so thankful for you!

See ya soon,

Hasan and Naaila

Hello You!

Ya’ll know we use authentic speaking language in our writing style and when working with us one-on-one. We even wrote our premarital guide, Selection Perfection, using this same conversational style.

Folks say, ” I keep it one hunnit!” often, but don’t speak in 100% terms. Please don’t take this to mean we’re suggesting to be “brutally honest.” Honesty never has to be savage or crude.
Look at it along these lines…For example, someone may say, “My parent wasn’t really affectionate or complimentary to me as a child or as an adult.”

It sounds and feels nicer to speak this way about a parent versus say, “My parent was abusive and emotionally absent. Still is and it hurts.” Folks elect to use words that don’t fall hard on the ears. Yet, the outcomes of your experiences still weigh heavy on your head and heart.

Another example is the description of a “functioning alcoholic”. This is a person who is able to go to work, to pay bills, and continue to get drunk after hours. This person is still an alcoholic, at work or off of work.

See how it is a common practice to soften the blow verbally!
If an event or experience is heavy, in any capacity to your mind and spirit, different word choices won’t lessen the disruption for you.

Using disingenuous language comes from the false belief that this will prevent you from unraveling from what has occurred in your life.

Consider this…what if it’s ok to be undone? Acknowledging a string is loose is how you get it tied again. Sugarcoating the truth is not being authentic to you or to those you’re interacting with.

We won’t dismiss the difficulties associated with it. Using bonafide language to describe a moment in time means you have to hear the full gravity of the issue. It also means you become transparent. Transparency requires self-exposure or vulnerability.

These are real fears and concerns! Yet, you can’t change an issue you don’t acknowledge. Do a self-review and see if you speak in a sincere, forthright, and righteous manner. In order for someone to get the full picture of you, your experience, or your feedback, use speech that adds to the depth of the matter versus taking away from it.

Homework for you:
How can you reword your statements to be more comprehensive of how you truly feed?

Let us know what you come up with!

See ya soon,

Hasan and Naaila

The Limits You Need You Never Considered

Hello

Imagine someone invited you to an event. You don’t wanna go. You tell the person,”I can’t. The older kids will be gone, but I’ll have my 8 year old.” Or, you say, “That’s the weekend my husband is off work. I can’t make it.”

The person says, “No worries, bring’em with you!” Now, you feel obligated to go to an event you didn’t want to attend. Periodt!

You gave excuses and they were taken away. Then, you start giving too much info and explain your husband is hardly ever off. You know ya’ll had nothing planned! Or, you were going to spend one-on-one time with the 8 yr old. You had planned to take a nap. You don’t want to say this.

You tell yourself you don’t want to be impolite or hurt anyone’s feelings. Declining an offer is ok if it doesn’t fit for you. You want to explain to soften the blow so the person won’t think poorly of you. You want to absorb any unwanted feelings the other person may have, that may not even exist, but they do in your mind. This is people-pleasing.

Explanations, or convincing mode, won’t please many folks. For some, your reasons will be insufficient no matter what you say.

Let’s bring it in on a smaller scale.

You’re scrolling social media. Folks see you’re actively commenting or posting. The person sends an inbox. You don’t respond. You may not be ‘busy” in the traditional sense of the word. Yet, you could be busy relaxing. This may be your 15 mins to “veg out” mentally from the day.

You don’t owe an explanation. Sometimes, the other 20 completed tasks consumed you. You’re out of fuel! You don’t need to convince anyone you have met your capacity for the day. Yet, you continue to persuade the person to accept your choice by giving more and more info in the hopes they’ll approve.

We’ve got 3 things for you to do to stop trying to satisfy others.

1. Pay attention when others go on and on about how they can’t do something. Offer a pass for them. Let them know they owe you no justification.

2. Notice yourself and see when you do it. Do you go into convincing mode with one specific person? When concerned about approval from others? Assess what triggers you.

3. Practice giving your reasoning in no more than 1-2 sentences. And stop! If a person insists, say, “Thank you.” Then, repeat the same reasoning again such as, “I appreciate it, but I’ll have to decline.”  There is no reason for you to come up with another excuse until you get one the person accepts.

Did you ever equate these simple moments as you being a “Yes” person? It is!

See ya soon,

Hasan and Naaila

The Most Helpful Word For Today

We wrapped up counseling sessions this month that have us feeling like the Energizer Bunny. We are both super pumped about what’s coming next.

The mojo we’ve seen has us thinking about opening couples’ classes so others can feel this. We know you share our sentiments when we say “two heads are better than one.” However, when those same two heads try to communicate, it can be a crash!

We can always come up with at least one profitable and progressive tip for a couple to apply to their specific situation. Folks call us all giddy because what we suggested worked! We love when we can help folks.

Click the link for the special announcement!

https://mailchi.mp/thatclaycouple/couplescommunication