What No One Tells You About Blind Love

It was a normal evening of counseling clients, managing social media content, coaching teens to obedience, dinner, talking and me flirting with him in between the social media content. Then, Hasan sat down and said, “Baby, I’m blind.”
I didn’t know what to say. He’s been blind for a few years now. This was not new information, but in this moment, we were having a different experience with one another. I wanted to say, “Ok….” and punctuate this one word sentence with a deep sigh at the end. But that didn’t feel right in my common sense and in my spirit. Seconds were passing.

003ae576b446c5a3374f00b3ff7953c2.jpg

I couldn’t google nothing captivating to say and what is the keyword for, “He said he was blind and now what do I say?”

He was blind, but he could still tell time. I needed to give the man something from me and it needed to be some really good viral content! The three words he spoke to me deserved a locked and loaded response concentrated with hope and resilience. And I didn’t have ish to say.

So, I said, “Yes, Baby you are. We don’t understand this overwhelming test. We just know we have one heck of a pop quiz on our hands and we trust in God’s infinite wisdom to let us get from this test all that we need to.”

Hasan said, “Ameen.”

Then, his words were as silent as his eyes have been for some time now.

6934811-blind-love

Seconds later, he arose to sit next to me with totally new, random and unrelated conversation. He was still blind, but in that “We-In-This” moment, he and I saw what we needed. We could clearly envision poppin’ up with emotionally intense topics the other person is completely unprepared for and feel unjudged and with a friend.

You don’t need eyesight for this kind of loving feeling. To hear more about our story and to get your own unseen love seen by only the two of you, SEE US. 

No Nonsense Truths You Lie About

The lies you tell yourself are becoming a hardship for us all cause we can’t benefit from your good cause you don’t see.

superthumb.jpg

Ya see, cause of the random naysaying throwing-shade-at-yourself-talk you say to self, you get stuck. Don’t progress. And the world loses out on your gifts

It ain’t fair!

When you lie to yourself about how about badly you need your job because you don’t want to be broke, tell the truth about how broke you already are.

Can you get broker than broke? Once your coins get on the down low, your come up will come at a cost only God canlies-22 pay. Quit letting that job overwhelm you and you still can’t overcome the light bill. 

When  a co-worker made a comment about your consignment clothing, you lied and told yourself you never did like those pants.

When you quit telling yourself you ain’t crazy & your friend really is jealous of you…Thank God for knowing exactly what to pray about for him or her.

You knew she had been lightweight hating on you, but you convinced yourself there was no way anyone would envy your broke and used clothes wearing self. She wasn’t jealous of your closet. She desired the unseen gifts you tried to hide, but God revealed anyway.

When you didn’t know what to do about your family… Thank God for freeing you from it cause you didn’t know what to do.

If you don’t what to do with this freedom, we can guide you through it. 

When you stopped seeing how you were a blessing to others…Thank God for giving you humility even at the expense of your ego.

You can be glad your ego ain’t bigger than your consignment britches.

When you felt uncomfortable about what they did at work after they tossed your lil input aside… Thank God for the discomfort cause this is how you know comfort when you see it again.

Make room for the space that is about to come your way. Do the work to make it happen.

100When you didn’t shut your mouth & you wish you had…Thank God for your big mouth & ask Him to put it to good use before you get locked up behind it.

Your Momma always said your mouth would be your downfall and it will, after you breakthrough.

When your child embarrassed the mess out of you… Thank God for letting you know to be empathetic with another parent trying to raise a strong-willed child.

When you let your body be dishonored & devalued… Thank God for leading you to Him so you can know better.

The lies people tell you that you repeat to yourself, don’t come true because the words become your mental mantra. Those deadly words feel true cause you gave them life, but they are killin’ you.
Tell the truth about how these thoughts and feelings drag you. Tell the truth about how many times you think about it, over and over and over, again, at work, after work and a week later.  The Truth Shall Set You Free4.jpg

Telling the truth lets you free yourself from the lie so you can find relief in your own thoughts.

 

2 Things NOT To Shoot For In 2018

At the start of a new calendar year folks make many promises to themselves and to others. Thus far, THE HIM, Hasan, made the New Years Resolution to be more of the debonair and 30 lbs lighter man he assured me I would have all the days of my life if I married him. He lied! And if he loses 30 lbs, his legs may get to skinny.

Who wants that? So, let’s keep the weight so we can keep the legs.

See the trade off? It’s worth it…right?

Your life and well-being is so much more relevant than weight, skinny legs or to be delegated to 365 days in a New Years Resolution.

With that being said, here are 2 things NOT to do for 2018.

  1. You will not make any New Years Resolutions. We said it! Close your mouf! None. Not one.
    Your resolve comes over time. Some issues, you can create resolution in a month. In another matter, it may take the remainder of your life. Another heart thumper or head blocker may keep you stumped for a year or two. 2018 is not the beginning of your life. You jumpstart your life, not a new calendar year. You are the central focus of all of this. You make this merry round Go! Goal-Setting
    Sure, we encourage you to have self-awareness, to be a more directed learner, to put away your coins, to earn more coins, to start the business you want or to get the nerve to dye your hair purple in your 40’s. Do that! Help is here if you want it. Don’t relegate your desires, needs, dreams to a timeline created by man. We can work this out with you.
  2. You accept that your best moments may not develop in years or a specific year, but it will be moments in your life that give you the most joy.
    Have you ever asked an elder what they enjoyed most in their life? You’ll be hard-pressed to find one to tell you it was the year 1967 or Y2k.
    Most you say something like, “When my first child was born…Driving my first car… The moment I met your father…Graduating from college…Buying a house…Seeing my grandchild for the first time…” Or even sharing an endearing childhood memory. Who the heck says it was their New Year’s Resolution? No one. And you don’t have to start the pattern. high five.jpegSeek to create the best moments of your life and get in as many as you can. Now, that is something you can start in 2018.

How Being Mad Can Inspire Your Marriage

Husbands and wives require many things for a marriage to work. We can name a few such as mutual respect, transparency, not sharing nude pics with another person, supporting the goals of the other person, good regular sex, displaying mercy to one another and the sliding in like a superhero with lil’ random acts of kindness. Ahh, everyday isn’t perfect. We hit or miss one or three of those every now or then. However, intentional folks will come back to the good acts of marriage they overlooked within time, preferably a really short period of time.

older couple

And then there are the other folks. The folks who treat their husband or wives worse than a stranger on the street. Failing to give a greeting in the morning, offering a nice compliment or assisting someone with a task is something one would do for a co-worker. For what reason does your colleague get the lil goodies of behavior from you that your spouse doesn’t?
Have you been smiling at random people in the grocery story lately? Your husband or wife deserves to see all of your teeth behind stretched lips even more than this stranger. Did you pick up something for someone or offer to do something for someone cause, “It’s really no problem at all.” Your spouse deserves something even greater.

Now, the problem is your husband or wife has likely done something to piss you off, to cause your heart to harden or to care less at this point whether or not they can find the orange juice in the fridge. How do you get through these moments and change the relationship narrative? Nothing changes the incidents that got you where they are. It is what it is.  Did you choose to marry someone who has no good in them?

shock.jpgNada? Not a drop?

We’re gonna tell ya our true thought, that says a lot about you. We’re gonna give you the side eye about your selection process cause it’s defective. We’ve got a remedy for that also. Tell ya single friends. You’s “muh-reid nah. So, we gotta go into recovery and repair mode for you.

For now, we’ll think good of you too and trust you didn’t marry a complete butthole and your partner has a twinkling and two teaspoons of good in him or her.

What you can do is make the decision to see the good in the person and not function from a position of fear. Look for good in the other person and really give some thought to what keeps you holding on to this negativity. What good does it do you? Negativity does nothing for your edges, your pocket book or your faith. So, what’s the point?

Before being a husband and wife, your spouse deserves the same humane kindness you would give stranger or a person at your place of worship. Familiarity breeds contempt. The longer you live with a person, you’ll have many, ” What You Not Gon’ Do…” moments or “Really? Is that where you are now?” You’ll learn the other person faults. When you find out your spouse can’t pick out produce as good as the cutie pie at the Farmer’s Market, it can be a bummer. Or, your husband or wife doesn’t always tell you the truth. Or, they continue to be dismissive of you as you talk to them. You may need to call on the big dawgs for relationship help. 
Yeah, the kindness and mercy weans off. And giving the best of you to folks who have hurt you less seems easier.
This is your beautiful challenge. You get to be the better person even when it doesn’t feel the best. Your marriage is a platform to practicimages.jpege mercy and kindness on a higher level. If you feel confused about where to start, it’s ok. Wouldn’t it feel good to get unstuck? However, if you know if you make the bed in the morning and heat the water for hot coffee, your spouse will be happy, shocked as all get out, but happy, then, do it.

Whatever they did in the past won’t change, but you can.

Facts About “Mommie Dearest” No One Dares to Say

Mothers are to be revered. To be respected. To be adored. To be taken care of. To be honored. And if you feel otherwise, you will quickly be shamed, condemned to the darkest corners of earthly motherless guilt and it will not matter if you’ve had a good mother. It will not matter if your mother was unloving. If you don’t know youmom2.jpgr mother no one cares. She birthed you so you must respect her for her super power. You don’t need to know her name or to care if she calls on your birthday. If she’s a bad mother, be sure not to repeat those same qualities with your own kids. You know how it feels so do better. Find a way to recoup whatever decency you’ve create within yourself and get over it. And dammit, you better not say anything bad about your mother.

black mom.jpg

Alcoholics exist and some of them are mothers. Abusers exist and a few have given birth. Addicts have children. Inmates leave their children in the care of God’s grace to satisfy the punishment of poor choices. Some mothers may not go to such visible lengths of poor mothering. Many mothers lack the ability to give hugs as needed. To kiss boo-boos. To show up for school events. To clap when no one else does and to not be staring at the phone during incremental minute seconds of a child’s needs.

There are those mother’s who compete with their daughter’s for attention. What is a daughter to do when she is told there isn’t enough room in Mother’s world for both to exist? Where does the daughter find the space to be her unlimited self? Who gives her consent to be who she is fully without always trying to reserve unwanted room for a mother who does not want her daughter to save her a seat?

When your mother is an overachiever and you’re growing into who you are and on most days you’re quite unsure of whatever that is…but your mother knows with certainty who EACH of you are. How do you fit into the mold she’s created for you?  We promise you can. What does this daughter do to keep up with her mother’s repetitive successes? She sulks internally while her mother’s life becomes her reflection and all this daughter sees is ugliness and self-hate. This does not have to be your entire existence.

For the daughter whose mother’s made her hug another temommporary “uncle” who liked more than hugs when Mother wasn’t around and for the daughter whose Mother took her to her father to be pleasured by the same penis that impregnated Mother and for the daughter who got put out of the house because she fought Daddy when he hit Mother again. The mother’s of these daughter’s get jingles played on Hallmark cards, praised in public places and commended at forced family events. These mother’s smile and assume the prestige given by their wombs and earned by the souls that came from them.

Mother’s and daughter’s have tricky relationships. This is the first same gender relationship many have. Some screw it up and others thrive from the success, love and care within it. There are those who do a lil bit of both, with enough screw up and enough love to keep it balanced and beneficial. For any mother or daughter wanting help, it’s available. Mothers and daughters can get it ristrong.jpgght. There are mother’s who lack super powers, but have an overwhelming ability to be super human as needed.

And allow a daughter to reverence the womb that bore her and to love the life her Mother so superbly introduces her to.

WARNING:High Stress Zone- A Sexless Marriage

Married and no sex. For months or years.

There are folks you know who smile, stay coupled up publicly & display the standard “usie” on social media, but hardly speak, sleep in separate beds & have a sexless marriage. Marriage without benefits begins well before entering the bedroom.

warning-no-intercourse.jpg believe it’s because of infidelity. Not always. Your spouse can become so disappointed in who you’ve presented yourself to be that they lose sexual interest in you. Don’t be so quick to blame the lack of sexual interest on another person. It really may be because you have a stank attitude that your partner is tired of smelling!

Hasan & I have heard many say, “Had I known he/she was like this, I wouldn’t have married him/her.” The reality of what the relationship requires can feel overwhelming. You don’t have to feel stuck by not knowing the small steps to begin recovery. Professional help or advice from an elder can bring your sexy back!

Another reason for no red hot lights in the bedroom is due to resentment from a buildup of issues. When no one knows how to fix or to recover from problems, the love bulb goes very dim. When you feed the same problems for years & years, people become mad, hold grudges & lose sight of what to do with the emotions. Sex is one form of stress relief. Remove sex & stress increases as well as the frustration from your marital issues.

Lastly, many have never seen balanced healthy affection & have no idea how give intimacy or to respond it. You may have a spouse who has never witnessed adults give a quick kiss, give gifts or hold hands just because. While these seem like easy skills to learn, remember easy isn’t easy for everyone. The display of love has to be taught.

Don’t let the facade of a good love life be your reality. Do the work to create real sexy love.

Are you Unmarried or Nah?

What’s the difference between being unmarried and single? Either way, you ain’t got nobody to spoon with, to share the Netflix password with or to come home to after your baby powder has long worn off. And you want some services.canstock16759187

You want to have relations. Sex. And because you’re not married, it’s a sin and the hellfire is not something you’ve put on your schedule. Single people can get you because they can be a lot of fun. For now, we’re gonna start with the men to tell this story, but it goes for everybody who knows somebody who done did it! Single men have time and will call with about a 2 minute notice on a rainy day, as if your hair doesn’t care, and request to meet somewhere they think you want to go. You’ve taken off your bra. You ain’t trying to go nowhere, but single men don’t care! They want to play.

A single man isn’t really looking for marriage. He doesn’t have to. In his mind, he’s THAT DUDE. The dude you have in your head. Every last one of those dudes you’ve ever imagined. When a single man meets a good woman, he won’t recognize her qualities. He won’t een be able to identify them because to him, all women are in the same category. All women offer the same options.  What’s that? Whatever he’s looking for! He’s holding out for sex. An occasional meal. He responds to and sends texts to boost his ego. He 165499098wants a pretty lady to introduce to his cousins. He’s holding out for sex. He wants conversation when bored and another single or unmarried woman will entertain him. He’ll put in the time to make a woman feel enthused and grin a lil’ bit. Shoot! He likes making you smile. He knows his work is working. He’s holding out for sex. He knows the “best option” will take  time and he’s got time. He doesn’t ignore a good woman when she comes along. He doesn’t want a good woman. He desires A WOMAN. He’s single.

A single man doesn’t seek to get his finances in order. They already are. For him. Matter of fact, he may stop texting  with you and then suddenly go silent. He returns. 28 hours later. Late at night. He starts texting again as if he never left the planet. He tells you about the trip he just booked for himself. He offers no apology for abandoning the conversation as he did. For what? He’s single. He’s THAT DUDE. You better act like you know. He’s doing better than his single friends when it comes to employment and structure in his life. Try to get him to like you. Be sweet to him. Then, blackmanwhen a woman responds to a single man, he’ll run because she’s too clingy. You see, she will see this man without a wife and believe Bruh wants a relationship. Or better yet, a whole wfe.

So, now we’ve met THAT DUDE and we can attach a name to the label. How many of you have met a person like this? Dang! That many!  And for this reason, we like unmarried men and women much better. We’ll talk about them next time. After dealing with the single folks, we need to stretch out a minute.

You Make Me Sick… For Real

Remember the last time you looked at the person you loved and thought, “I can’t stand you.” You meant it, but not really. You did in that precise moment, but not forever more.

lovesick

Love is such a funny emotion because the people we love give us an array of experiences. And each experience has its own gut-wrenching, love-filled, God-fearing, nail-biting and heart-felt thoughts with it.

Do you remember the song, “What’s Love Got To do With It?” It has everything to do with it. Love keeps us in these relationships and marriages. Love is the glue. Love is the Mr.Clean-power for our heartbroken moments. Love is what keeps us together. However, we don’t mean that love disappears in the moments when you can’t stand the person you love. The love of the commitment. The love of loyalty. Love of family. The love of God sustains us through those moments when a person we love doesn’t show up in the most loving way.

And when I can’t stand you, I can stand on the things that I love that we have created together. THE HIM and Naa’ila

SELF-LOVE ANTIDOTE

Get your Self-Love Prescription! 1. Remember when love made you sick, but you kept taking the love potion! And the potion was the wrong medicine for you and what you needed! Yeah…that time! W…

Source: SELF-LOVE ANTIDOTE

I Don’t Look Like What I’ve Been Through

I don’t look like what I’ve been through, but I pray like I’ve been through it.
I pray while remembering crying so hard my cheeks burned from my salty tears. A homeless shelter was my destination with a 5-month old in tow. I pray like the room I slept in at the homeless shelter became my office years later. Allah brought me back to the same place, a new way, an employee not a resident. I pray like I’ve had to take out a restraining order. He choked me, pushed me into a wall until it caved in & stabbed himself in the leg afterwards. I got the restraining order free cause I “petitioned to sue as a pauper”. Basically, I could prove I had food stamps. I pray like a man I loved pulled my mouth apart until my lips cracked. It felt so barbaric.

I pray like I hid $2000 in my infant son’s diaper pail in the shelter. I figured no one would think his crap was worth anything. I pray like a man I loved took money I saved to get a car & used my money for his benefit.I found out when he told me what he did. I pray like I had a Momma who helped me get a car anyway. I pray like I’d rest in the examination rooms while doing my clinical residency cause my blood pressure would be so high I couldn’t stand. I refused to go to the hospital cause they always admitted me & I couldn’t get the clinical hours needed from a hospital room. I pray like I had elder women who protected me when I didn’t have sense enough to know I was in harm’s way.

I pray like the masjid came through for me when laid off. I pray like I graduated & didn’t have my degree cause I owed the school money. I pray like I have my all of degrees in my possession. I pray like I’ve seen a child I raised make decisions I don’t like & I have to figure out a new way to love him. I pray like I’ve called my aunt while driving, pulled over, and said, “Don’t say anything. Just let me cry.” She did. I pray like I struggle with narcolepsy & try to live like I’m “ON” & alert when my sleep disorder has cut me off from you. I pray like I’ve shown a child, a burn victim, my vitiligo so she wouldn’t hide her talents behind her scars. I pray like I’ve watched a man I love go blind & still see God in his life. I pray for my mother who suffers from dementia & continues to find evidence of God’s grace in her life even when she can’t remember her own children. I pray like this cause I’m in awe of My Lord & unceasingly grateful.
I don’t look like what I’ve been through, but I pray like I’ve been through it.- Naa’ila © 2017I