THE HIM, my husband, said something to push me to the edge.
His words caused me to look at him differently, and ya’ll know, I look at him with a soft eye.
When I recall the moment, my stomach pauses a moment, all over again, like it did the minute moment it all occurred.
I see the dull sunlight hitting across his face and spreading itself on the wall behind him.
Then, quickly, and forever, everything between us changed.
He said, “My eyes are getting darker. Praise be to God.”
I stopped everything in my hands and told my heart to wait for me. My heart has never listened well. My past relationships show that and it didn’t leave me wanting this time either. My heart raced. And slowed down. Raced again.
I said nothing.
He stared straight ahead as he does frequently at home. I know he’s in his “mental moment” and solving the world’s problems, balancing the national budget, mentally auditing Trump’s taxes, praying, wondering what’s for dinner or meditating.
Basically, he’s a deep thinker. Always.
After a few moments passed, I asked, “Did you hear what you said? You told me your eyes have less sight and then you praised your Lord? That’s a pretty high personal achievement. I’ve never heard you speak this way.”
He said, “I know.” And moved on to live his life while the remaining eye-related darkness slowly targets him through glaucoma. He seemed ok.
Me? I was stuck.
My heart became a telescope for me to see my husband in a way I’d never achieved before now. If this man had reached a level of self-awareness to express this level of humility for his loss of sight, I knew I was gon’ hafta work on my own character. I ain’t there! Not today.
During this loss of sight journey, we have lost so much. Things you can see and things you cannot. We have argued. Been angry. Cried together. Cried alone. Blamed each other. Blamed ourselves. I have looked at him, breath to breath, with tears in my tears and he couldn’t see them. I have no regrets for his inability to see my tears. I was able to get his comfort, release my emotion and keep my internal privacy as he lived such a public pain. Now, it is my prayer, with a blind man leading our spiritual way, we will always see a need to praise God in the good and to praise God with the bad.
I’m not naive. We’re gonna get tested again on this journey, but I see more praise coming for us.