3 Reasons to Talk About Relationship Thangs No One Else Will!

Let us clear our throats for this one. We want to make sure folks hear and hear good. Lean in closer. Lil’ closer.

Ok. That’s good! Many believe the marriage retreat coming up any nothin’ the community needs. We gon’ tell the truth. Every community needs it, but the Black community has a need so big it reaches underground level.
We need to put this retreat on CD’s and sell them at the barber shop. The kick back, clap back and roll back like Walmart, all equaling divorce, flow like the plague. There is an antidote. You don’t even need ObamaCare to get it!

It’s all within you!

This video make the connect to the #marriageretreat we’re hosting with Imam Shadeed Muhammad. You don’t wanna miss the reasons behind it. It is “Shut-Yo-Mouf” real!

Learn more here. https://www.facebook.com/events/1172101806259299/?ti=icl

Even if you don’t go to the retreat, what OOPS! action are parents passing on to grown children? Parents, we gotta do more than food, clothing and shelter for our children. They grow up and take their gaps, bigger than Michael Strahan’s cute gap. Google him and see what we talkin’ bout!

Ok…take a sneak peek at retreat topics, such as, “How are you missing the good behaviors during #engagement that jack you up in the marriage?” You get the “how right now”, but not the “What-Chu-Should-Not-Do” info here.

Trust us! It’s something in this video for you or someone ya know!

Wanna know about err’thang the whole weekend so these 3 reasons can miss you with that? The ways to neutralize the toxins is in that link right there.
https://www.facebook.com/events/1172101806259299/permalink/1194283050707841/

What are you waiting for? Time’s a ticking!
Online options for the retreat are coming! TBA. You thought we didn’t think about the villagers at home? Nah Bruh! We got chu too!
#ThatClayCouple #Rawdah

Man Up or Man Down Situation: Men Get Hit Too

The clergyman/pastor/imam often gets blamed for telling the woman to, “Be patient” with her husband’s behavior. The abused wife is told to ,”Go home. Pray. Use this as a lesson to get closer to God…Be a better wife to him. Your husband is going through so much.” The wife ices her black eye. She calls in sick for work and is at risk of losing her job because she’s patiently used all of her sick days for the prior painful & scarring acts of abuse. To be a good woman of faith, she obeys the clergyman/pastor/imam because she needs to listen and to succumb to the men around her. After all, these men know best. These men are led by God. These men know something her black eye, her broken bones and her bloody nose do not know. handbeaten.png

The good wife is encouraged not to listen to her allies, to not build allies, to not leave her husband’s home and surely not to listen to those who crazily insist she’s a pure fool for staying. These naysayers know nothing about the Godly institution of marriage. These often unmarried or previously divorced folks don’t know her full situation. Matter of fact, these people may just be jealous daymmit cause the good wife got a man! And how in the sandhill can they give 2 teaspoons of advice when they’ve never heard the husband’s side. Ok…true enough. A few folks tried to talk to him, but he’s a man and he doesn’t want anyone in his business. He can handle his own marriage. You? Stay out of that man’s business…including his wife’s bruises, blood loss from wounds or tear-filled phone calls. Quit answering the phone when she calls. You know she’s whining anyway. Her husband is going to apologize and she’ll be fine.
She’s following the spiritual guidance of patience. Don’t interrupt the work of God.

This Monday, the husband was already on the couch due to a weeklong argument. The wife hit him in the head several times. He has lost hearing in one ear due to a prior attack from his wife. When he went to the clergyman/pastor/imam, the husband was told to “Be patient” with his wife’s behavior. The abused husband was told to, “Go home. Pray. Use this as a lesson to get closer to God… Be a better husband to her. Your wife is going through so much.”
Because he’s a man, the husband does not seek allies. He does not call anyone to whine. He doesn’t ask anyone to address his wife. When he did, he was told to tell her himself. He did. He and wife never finished the dialogue. He stopped trying to speak after she grabbed his throat, threatened to leave that night with the children and ripped his shirt from his back as he tried to walk away.

His wife apologized and calmed down for awhile. When she’s good….Awww Mahn! You want to nominate her for President of the Welcome Wagon. When she’s not, you’re sure she wrote books with titles such as, “How To Kill Bambi & Other Acts of Selfish Rage”.

man stat.jpegThree months later, she bleached his clothing because he didn’t speak to her when she wanted him to after an argument. She also flattened his tires. Smashed his phone. Got rid of one of each of his shoes. And when he confronted her, she slapped him until his nose bled. When he tried to restrain her, she threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave the daym house she helped pay bills in immediately. 

The husband left the house. The clergyman/pastor/imam advised him not to strike her and to, “Be patient.” After all, these men know best. These men are led by God.

Wedding-Rings-and-BibleWhat is an abused person patiently waiting to happen when the other party does not seek to correct their behavior? Telling an oppressed, hurt, and bleeding and bruised person, to “be patient” is akin to telling them to return to the scene of the crime to patiently await the next attack. People are to be patient with a goal. People are to be patient with the things they strive for.

People are to be patient with God’s intervention…but we know God doesn’t change a condition of a people until they change themselves.

God expects us to do sumpin’ too.

You got a nickel in that dime!

We’ve learned the, “Be patient” rhetoric doesn’t change per gender. This is the catch-all phrase. It is the control-alt-delete function to use when all else fails. It is One-Size-Fits-All. Globally Accepted. All-Inclusive.

And it is insensitive.

It encourages abuse. It gives no recourse or resolve for the victim and offers a community of patient and unearned justice for the perpetrator.

We gotta do better. And sometimes, we don’t know how.  S’ok to admit you don’t know. It is purely wrong to not try to do better. We’ve heard the suggestion, “Get Help!”  And you can choose to do so.

You may say, “Those helping folks don’t know me.” You’re right. They don’t. But their first introduction to you won’t have to be on the evening news or through court-ordered anger management that you have to pay for. It can be from knowing, “I gotta do better and I need help to make it happen. What I’m doin’ ain’t workin’ for me.”
Don’t get caught in the “Be patient” rhetoric and patiently wait for nothing to change because you won’t.

BAE Watch

This is Bae! You know it. You can’t imagine disagreeing with this person. You feel like you’ve known this person your entire life. Your souls mesh. You laugh. In sync. Finally, you know what folks mean when they say, ‘My heart skipped a beat” and it isn’t due to heart disease! When Bae’s “oh-so-sweet-Bae-Like” Nastupidsmileme shows on your Iphone, you giggle for so long, you forget to answer. Oh…you’ve got it bad. Your friends can’t stand you! The feeling you get with Bae is like no other. Bae gets you & let’s you be you. The friendship takes no effort.

You have met THE ONE.

And one day, when your Bomb-Bae love story requires you to make joint decisions, requires transparency, requires you to talk about things you don’t want to talk about, requires both of you to pull back on your bad habits, requires you to admit you didn’t show the full you, including your halitosis, requires you to apologize and to forgive when you’re right… Bae can go Buh-bye! You never intended for Bae to have so many questions. How can this person be committed to you & doubt you?
When did Bae get to be so stubborn? This person acts like an apology is blasphemy.  What happened to the person who would always talk to you at night? Now, Bae scratches & falls asleep in front of the television. This cannot be what forever looks like!

The problem is you put so much emphasis on Bae, but what do you want in a relationship? What do you require for love? How do you want someone to talk to you when you’re angry or how do you want to be supported? Did Bae act out and offer those commitments to you or did Bae deliver feel-good fun for now?
Good people don’t make good relationships. You may meet a really good person, but it doesn’t mean you’ll have a wondermous relationship with them. Good people aren’t always the best person for you. clouds-forever-forever-love-heart-heart-Favim.com-500686.jpg
Good relationships make people better. Look for a person willing to give you the meaning of a good working relationship. Now, that’s Bae.

WARNING:High Stress Zone- A Sexless Marriage

Married and no sex. For months or years.

There are folks you know who smile, stay coupled up publicly & display the standard “usie” on social media, but hardly speak, sleep in separate beds & have a sexless marriage. Marriage without benefits begins well before entering the bedroom.

warning-no-intercourse.jpg believe it’s because of infidelity. Not always. Your spouse can become so disappointed in who you’ve presented yourself to be that they lose sexual interest in you. Don’t be so quick to blame the lack of sexual interest on another person. It really may be because you have a stank attitude that your partner is tired of smelling!

Hasan & I have heard many say, “Had I known he/she was like this, I wouldn’t have married him/her.” The reality of what the relationship requires can feel overwhelming. You don’t have to feel stuck by not knowing the small steps to begin recovery. Professional help or advice from an elder can bring your sexy back!

Another reason for no red hot lights in the bedroom is due to resentment from a buildup of issues. When no one knows how to fix or to recover from problems, the love bulb goes very dim. When you feed the same problems for years & years, people become mad, hold grudges & lose sight of what to do with the emotions. Sex is one form of stress relief. Remove sex & stress increases as well as the frustration from your marital issues.

Lastly, many have never seen balanced healthy affection & have no idea how give intimacy or to respond it. You may have a spouse who has never witnessed adults give a quick kiss, give gifts or hold hands just because. While these seem like easy skills to learn, remember easy isn’t easy for everyone. The display of love has to be taught.

Don’t let the facade of a good love life be your reality. Do the work to create real sexy love.

How To Avoid the High Costs of Meeting Someone Online: What Is Your Marriage Budget?

Before you marry, know your marriage budget. This isn’t about how much you can spend for a wedding, reception or for invitations. This marriage budget is about how much  your heart can afford to take or to lose. A heart is a sensitive resource and the cost of its repair requires a great deal of time, effort, tears, ice cream at 2 am and maybe even counseling. No one wants to pay this!

cheap.jpg

We’re going to look at some basic requirements and actions needed when meeting someone online to reduce heart repair or damage!

1. Ask yourself, how much time and cash flow you have to invest to know if someone meets your criteria. If you cannot afford to travel to Timbuktu, quit following and liking the pics of the Timbuktu heart slayers on social media! If your Southwest Rapid Rewards will not let you be great enough to access Timbuktu love, then keep your love within a 2-block radius of what you have the capacity to do. Keep your love in your vicinity!

If your job does not allow you to take time off at this time to visit the Timbuktu Love Of Your Life, then consider local loves. Look a lil harder when you go to the grocery store. What about the man who always repairs your car? He’s kinda cute!

2. It only requires the cost of the internet or your already-paid cellphone bill to connect, to run game, to meet, to begin liking and to talk with someone online. A heart has much higher expenditures. In today’s technological world, you can virtually date someone in Turkey this Friday night and not speak Turkey-talk at all! However, your love language needs to be able to verbalize itself and to communicate correctly. Just because you can meet native Turkish citizens, Kemal and Ayse online, and talk for days, it does not mean your heart needs to invest in Tuonline_0.jpgrkish love. You don’t even have a passport! This contact will go no further than Instagram and Facebook. This isn’t fair to anyone at all.

It costs to do your due diligence to meet a person,  to see their home so you can know how a person lives, to meet their family and to go to the city the person resides in if she/he isn’t local to you. In addition, premarital counseling outranks many of the actions you can take to learn if this person is able to devote their life to paying the costs to loving you for life. Go HERE to get the help needed to make this happen. Wouldn’t it feel great to not only be in love, getting married, but to have a “shout-it-all-out” type of security about your partner? You can.

If you cannot afford the travel costs and time required to to court someone, OFFLINE, you cannot afford to marry this person.

Using your limited funds with cash and time as an excuse to not follow through with the basics for marriage means you exceeded your marriage budget. Stay within what you have the capacity to allow your time, money and heart to do.

Three Things Marriage Counseling Isn’t Meant To Do

 

lockedheart

Many folks need counseling and even more folks who need it refuse to go. Within this pool of folks, there are couples who need major “Oh-Ma-Gawd” help for their marriages and relationships. Even less  will plunge into the deep end of marriage or couples counseling. A few couples may be brave enough to get their feet wet. These will be the ones who will attend counseling with “Games of Thrones-like” valor.

As we tell you what marriage counseling is not intended for, this first one is unique to us, Hasan and Naa’ila. Someone else may tell you the same thing, especially after we do, but for us, we insist upon operating with what we have laid out here.

  1. Marriage Counseling isn’t to be a place to mediate your problems each week. This is special and time-sensitive meetings with your counselors. Yes. COUNSELORS. with an “s”. With us, we tag team our couples counselings. You work with each of us. Counseling sessions aren’t a place to rehash or to retell the events, incidents, demographics, names and screenshots of history that got you in counseling. We do not want you to come to us to waste your time being storytellers and griots. After hearing about 2-3 incidents, we’ve got it. Indeed, we will never grasp the true depths of the pain and hurt the relationship or person has caused you. We don’t try to do so. We want to get a good glimpse of how you got there. Telling fifty-eleven stories that happened during the course of your 2, 12 or 22 year relationship will not ensure a deeper understanding of your overwhelming hurt. What it will do is cause us to consume the valuable time we have in our counseling sessions to help the two of you improve.If we didn’t care how long you remained in counseling, and sought to get your coins as long as we can, this would be ideal. This is not what we do this for. Our goal is to use old school wit and clinical interventions to get you and Bae where you want to be.
  2. Marriage Counseling isn’t to be a place to mediate problems weekly. Sure, there’ll be times when a couple comes to a counseling session with a bone to pick and meat stuck in between their teeth from the fight that began 2 days ago. We’re sympathetic to this and will gladly assist. Often, folks are in counseling due to their inability to resolve problems, old, new, past or current. These can be teachable moments. For us, each week, we plan for you to build onto the skill set we agree upon. Each session will increase your ability to practice this skill with Bae outside of sessions. We can’t do this if we’re putting out fires each week.
    Thus, you won’t find us beginning our sessions with the question, “So, what do you want to talk about this week?” We will have a plan for you.
  3. Marriage Counseling isn’t to be a whipping stick. There will be times one person will tell the other, “I don’t want to talk about this until we get to the counseling session!” Refer to Number 2. There will be arguments requiring you to table the issue until you get to us. However, using counseling sessions as a place to snitch or tattle tale on each other is not productive.
    When you give your partner the silent treatment until you get to counseling…or you won’t pay any bills until you get to counseling…or you have your nose stuck up in the air until you get to counseling…counseling begins to feel like a spanking over the knee.

You don’t have to fear coming to counseling and we don’t bite. Counseling will have scary moments and times of discomfort, but smooth waters don’t make good sailors.

This is how you grow and love better. Wouldn’t it feel good to be able to able to go to counseling and not be afraid of your name being tarnished? You can. How long will you wait for your problems to disappear by themselves? Cough…Cough…Not gonna happen! We know great things have happened for you in your life and God is a miracle worker, but even He looks for levels of effort.

Click here and ask an anonymous question to get rid of the anxiety you have about, “How much is all of this gonna cost me?”

Show your willing to put your money where your mouth is.

 

How To Recognize An Unmarried Person

There are some fool-proof and signature differences between a single and unmarried person. We defined a single man in our last blog. Today, we’re gonna sniff out the unmarried person. An unmarried person may be single, divorced or widowed. They show up with all types of relationship history. The primary brand and seal you should seek on this person is that he or she desires a committed relationship. This person has a lifestyle that reeks commitment in some form or fashion in their life.

Tip No. 1: This person is committed to more than Jordans, their passport, car or designer bags.

For an unmarried person, commitment will peep out in ways such as a stable job history, an attachment to a program in the community or a long-standing relationship with a family member that extends bunmarriedeyond the mandated holidays, graduations and birthdays.

Tip No. 2: They slay, but it doesn’t get in the way.

An unmarried person has taken some personal inventory, but has also done some marriage preparation. They exude some self-awareness, but not an ego. An unmarried person may have a few coins saved or secured a few prized personal possessions, but this doesn’t interrupt who they are. This person understands they have a life, but an unmarried person seeks to add value to their existing life with meaningful companionship. Basically, they look good, and carry themselves well, but they aren’t stuck up.

Tip No. 3: They got baggage.

An unmarried person has been seeking marriage without success, and they ain’t happy about it. In the process of the search, shots were fired and they got hit! An unmarried person has been hurt, but this is where they will be different. They won’t lie about it. An unmarried person admits their dodo stinks, but will use some Febreeze for your smelling pleasure. Now, they won’t tell you err’thang, but their attempts at honesty will be genuine. You should also be able to ask questions and get the real deal from the folks in their life to be found in Tip No. 1. Her aunt, who she loves dearly, should be willing to talk to you at the door, one-on-one, after the family dinner. Talk to the people around this person. Ask a question. And then another question. If everyone tells you how great this unmarried person is, and nothing else, they don’t like you. Everyone has  flaws and someone should tell you the truth.

These three tips should help you better identify your target while single to shed the layers of your unmarried lifestyle. An unmarried person is more than single. This person has a life that is prepared for a husband or wife to make their entrance into their life.  There is a transition between being single and being unmarried. You don’t want to go into marriage as or with a single person. They will  learn to make the shift in the marriage. No one wants their husband or wife acting single! If you don’t have your affairs in order yet, start changing your habits to attract your future husband or wife.

Things To Do When Your Marriage Is Struggling

Everyone loves a quickie! Here are some hit-and-run love dovey’s you can do without too much effort.

You and marriage can look good very quickly with these 5 changes, but you have to do them. Simply reading them or trying to decide if you think they will work will not be enough! These small things go a long way to build trust & show gratitude.19059604_10155330887686303_8768946637038501587_n.jpg

1. Arrive when you say you will & call ahead when you won’t. Don’t call when you’re supposed to already be somewhere to announce your tardiness!

2. Do an extra chore around the house, including cleaning up after yourself danggone self! Pick up your dirty socks & get all your “woman stuff” from around the sink! The man can’t even brush his teeth for bumping into your facial products!

3. Reschedule a regular activity you normally do alone & arrange to hang out with your husband/wife. Don’t play basketball this Saturday. Cancel the pedicure appointment. Schedule in your spouse!

4. When you feel angry, just shut up & go pray. Don’t say nothing until you’ve prayed. Then, refer to #2. Sometimes, it really is that simple.

5. Greet each other with words and touch for at least 6 seconds after work or coming home. Make it a true welcome! Six seconds of touch or a hug has been proven to change lives. Start with your own life.

HERE’S A BONUS FOR THE MEN: When you go to the kitchen, think of her too! Bring her a beverage or a snack too. Please do not come back and sit next to her with nothing for her! This small gesture means so much!

Try one or more of them and let us know how quick the magic happens for you!

I Don’t Look Like What I’ve Been Through

I don’t look like what I’ve been through, but I pray like I’ve been through it.
I pray while remembering crying so hard my cheeks burned from my salty tears. A homeless shelter was my destination with a 5-month old in tow. I pray like the room I slept in at the homeless shelter became my office years later. Allah brought me back to the same place, a new way, an employee not a resident. I pray like I’ve had to take out a restraining order. He choked me, pushed me into a wall until it caved in & stabbed himself in the leg afterwards. I got the restraining order free cause I “petitioned to sue as a pauper”. Basically, I could prove I had food stamps. I pray like a man I loved pulled my mouth apart until my lips cracked. It felt so barbaric.

I pray like I hid $2000 in my infant son’s diaper pail in the shelter. I figured no one would think his crap was worth anything. I pray like a man I loved took money I saved to get a car & used my money for his benefit.I found out when he told me what he did. I pray like I had a Momma who helped me get a car anyway. I pray like I’d rest in the examination rooms while doing my clinical residency cause my blood pressure would be so high I couldn’t stand. I refused to go to the hospital cause they always admitted me & I couldn’t get the clinical hours needed from a hospital room. I pray like I had elder women who protected me when I didn’t have sense enough to know I was in harm’s way.

I pray like the masjid came through for me when laid off. I pray like I graduated & didn’t have my degree cause I owed the school money. I pray like I have my all of degrees in my possession. I pray like I’ve seen a child I raised make decisions I don’t like & I have to figure out a new way to love him. I pray like I’ve called my aunt while driving, pulled over, and said, “Don’t say anything. Just let me cry.” She did. I pray like I struggle with narcolepsy & try to live like I’m “ON” & alert when my sleep disorder has cut me off from you. I pray like I’ve shown a child, a burn victim, my vitiligo so she wouldn’t hide her talents behind her scars. I pray like I’ve watched a man I love go blind & still see God in his life. I pray for my mother who suffers from dementia & continues to find evidence of God’s grace in her life even when she can’t remember her own children. I pray like this cause I’m in awe of My Lord & unceasingly grateful.
I don’t look like what I’ve been through, but I pray like I’ve been through it.- Naa’ila © 2017I