As young twenty-something, single mothers she and I were the only ones in our low-income apartment community to be college students. Our children were close in age. She was a mother of twins and I had a one-year old on my hip. Her family was disgruntled with her for being an unwed mother, but still peeped in with occasional support. My own family gave help, unwanted advice and the side-eye as I too struggled to raise my son alone.

We made sure each of us had gas money. We put our coins together to buy groceries. Weekends were spent going back and forth from our respective apartments. We would run go back and forth from the back door, from one house to the other. She had this silent way of speaking to you with her unyielding light brown eyes. When I first met her, I felt she was weird. Her stare. I didn’t know how to read it or what it meant. I came to learn it meant nothing other than, “I’m here with you.” Later, our friendship grew as  another Beloved Soul embraced our circle. For years, our struggle was real, but softened by the three of us.

Few could relate to being so broke, bougie at heart and down for long haul to get up out of that Section 8 housing! We stuck together like thieves cause the three of us understood the plan even when we didn’t really have one.

Over a span of 25 years, self-acceptance, grandchildren, 10-40 extra pounds, graduate degrees, weddings, more children, entrepreneurship, buying our first homes, our first divorces and loving our last fool passed over our lives. It was never planned or discussed, but two of us ended up as mental health therapists. She opened her own mental health agency with a partner. There were bumps in there, but she made it work for her. And we all lived our lives.

Like many, social media became the place to catch up, but we did. Her giggle! It comes in spurts and then closes with a smile! The spurts are like a water faucet struggling to let water flow, but nah…said the water spout!

Yesterday, she became locally famous, but I’m not proud of her.

I’m pissed actually. Yes, there will be lights, and crowds and hand holding and speeches to commemorate her, but I’m pissed. I don’t want her death to be her greatest achievement.
To see crowds of people who don’t know her water-spout laughter to stand in a public park stained with her blood and acknowledge her as a victim of domestic violence pisses me off. Hthe-benefits-of-anger-management-counseling-3.jpger life is so much more than the location of her last moment of knowing breath.

I’m pissed because an Ex not to have known to have ever struck her before allegedly stabbed her to death after threatening her for weeks. I’m pissed because he allegedly planned to enforce his death wish on her without any concern for those who loved her to life.

His anger for Alicia having left him couldn’t be killed so he chose to kill her.
Alicia was found leaning against her car in a public park. Alone. She bled to death. No one should die alone. What was she thinking? Were her thoughts comforting to your own soul? How does a dying mother tell her children goodbye when they don’t know your leaving them? My other friend, the Beloved Soul is helping Alicia’s young adult children navigate this tragedy, bury their mother and holding the hurt in her own heart simultaneously.

When the alleged attacker was arrested, it was reported his hands were bloody and cut up. I smiled. She fought back. That’s my girl.

Mothers are to be revered. To be respected. To be adored. To be taken care of. To be honored. And if you feel otherwise, you will quickly be shamed, condemned to the darkest corners of earthly motherless guilt and it will not matter if you’ve had a good mother. It will not matter if your mother was unloving. If you don’t know youmom2.jpgr mother no one cares. She birthed you so you must respect her for her super power. You don’t need to know her name or to care if she calls on your birthday. If she’s a bad mother, be sure not to repeat those same qualities with your own kids. You know how it feels so do better. Find a way to recoup whatever decency you’ve create within yourself and get over it. And dammit, you better not say anything bad about your mother.

black mom.jpg

Alcoholics exist and some of them are mothers. Abusers exist and a few have given birth. Addicts have children. Inmates leave their children in the care of God’s grace to satisfy the punishment of poor choices. Some mothers may not go to such visible lengths of poor mothering. Many mothers lack the ability to give hugs as needed. To kiss boo-boos. To show up for school events. To clap when no one else does and to not be staring at the phone during incremental minute seconds of a child’s needs.

There are those mother’s who compete with their daughter’s for attention. What is a daughter to do when she is told there isn’t enough room in Mother’s world for both to exist? Where does the daughter find the space to be her unlimited self? Who gives her consent to be who she is fully without always trying to reserve unwanted room for a mother who does not want her daughter to save her a seat?

When your mother is an overachiever and you’re growing into who you are and on most days you’re quite unsure of whatever that is…but your mother knows with certainty who EACH of you are. How do you fit into the mold she’s created for you?  We promise you can. What does this daughter do to keep up with her mother’s repetitive successes? She sulks internally while her mother’s life becomes her reflection and all this daughter sees is ugliness and self-hate. This does not have to be your entire existence.

For the daughter whose mother’s made her hug another temommporary “uncle” who liked more than hugs when Mother wasn’t around and for the daughter whose Mother took her to her father to be pleasured by the same penis that impregnated Mother and for the daughter who got put out of the house because she fought Daddy when he hit Mother again. The mother’s of these daughter’s get jingles played on Hallmark cards, praised in public places and commended at forced family events. These mother’s smile and assume the prestige given by their wombs and earned by the souls that came from them.

Mother’s and daughter’s have tricky relationships. This is the first same gender relationship many have. Some screw it up and others thrive from the success, love and care within it. There are those who do a lil bit of both, with enough screw up and enough love to keep it balanced and beneficial. For any mother or daughter wanting help, it’s available. Mothers and daughters can get it ristrong.jpgght. There are mother’s who lack super powers, but have an overwhelming ability to be super human as needed.

And allow a daughter to reverence the womb that bore her and to love the life her Mother so superbly introduces her to.

There are some fool-proof and signature differences between a single and unmarried person. We defined a single man in our last blog. Today, we’re gonna sniff out the unmarried person. An unmarried person may be single, divorced or widowed. They show up with all types of relationship history. The primary brand and seal you should seek on this person is that he or she desires a committed relationship. This person has a lifestyle that reeks commitment in some form or fashion in their life.

Tip No. 1: This person is committed to more than Jordans, their passport, car or designer bags.

For an unmarried person, commitment will peep out in ways such as a stable job history, an attachment to a program in the community or a long-standing relationship with a family member that extends bunmarriedeyond the mandated holidays, graduations and birthdays.

Tip No. 2: They slay, but it doesn’t get in the way.

An unmarried person has taken some personal inventory, but has also done some marriage preparation. They exude some self-awareness, but not an ego. An unmarried person may have a few coins saved or secured a few prized personal possessions, but this doesn’t interrupt who they are. This person understands they have a life, but an unmarried person seeks to add value to their existing life with meaningful companionship. Basically, they look good, and carry themselves well, but they aren’t stuck up.

Tip No. 3: They got baggage.

An unmarried person has been seeking marriage without success, and they ain’t happy about it. In the process of the search, shots were fired and they got hit! An unmarried person has been hurt, but this is where they will be different. They won’t lie about it. An unmarried person admits their dodo stinks, but will use some Febreeze for your smelling pleasure. Now, they won’t tell you err’thang, but their attempts at honesty will be genuine. You should also be able to ask questions and get the real deal from the folks in their life to be found in Tip No. 1. Her aunt, who she loves dearly, should be willing to talk to you at the door, one-on-one, after the family dinner. Talk to the people around this person. Ask a question. And then another question. If everyone tells you how great this unmarried person is, and nothing else, they don’t like you. Everyone has  flaws and someone should tell you the truth.

These three tips should help you better identify your target while single to shed the layers of your unmarried lifestyle. An unmarried person is more than single. This person has a life that is prepared for a husband or wife to make their entrance into their life.  There is a transition between being single and being unmarried. You don’t want to go into marriage as or with a single person. They will  learn to make the shift in the marriage. No one wants their husband or wife acting single! If you don’t have your affairs in order yet, start changing your habits to attract your future husband or wife.