What To Do With A Parent Who Won’t Show Up For You

It’s more than hard…it’s daym near devastating to accept a parent will never be able to parent you or friend you.

When your parent has been absent during your childhood, somehow, you manage. You don’t have a choice. Children will continue to believe a parent will do right by them once this happens…or once someone else does something…or once someone moves to a different city…or once a certain amount of money is locked in… and on and on. Who doesn’t want to believe something or someone is blocking parental love?

Children, addicts, Trumpsters and roaches are some of the most resilient parts of the creation! They will keep believing despite the facts in front of them. For a child a real news flash of truth about a parent’s absence can cause feelings of inferiority. Feeling like the ideas you’ve built your value on is a farce feels like a low blow. Abandonment. Unworthy. Rejection. Unwanted. Unloved. Getting help to maneuver these places is key. 

When presented with the raw and nekkid truth of who your parent is, and you see, as a person, you don’t really like them…can be the horse pill you spit out. After living a life of not having your parent, and as an adult, seeing your parent incapable of being your friend due to their pride, intolerance, lack of compassion and overall lack of acceptance for who you are as an adult is a kick to your inner child. You ask yourself, “Are you not able to befriend you or do you choose not to?”

Which is it?
Either way, the answer yields the same results.
The way to end your own suffering and to cease presenting opportunities for this “Aint-Gonna-Do-It” parent to show up for you is for you to accept them as they are. Which is another horse pill to spit out and may require insight and hugs to do! 

How To Hook Up Before You Get Married

Hmmm…So folks believe going to a member of the clergy before marriage, 1-3 times, is premarital counseling. Ohh…ok.

Even in a marriage, pot holes can be in found on religious roads. Sunday, we met with a couple planning to divorce, but wanted know how to incorporate religious tenements, co-parenting, a realistic divorce timeline and do all of it around the pending end of a rental lease. We presented the real and raw conditions of the mess they got themselves in, what could be done to remain in the dwelling while working on the marriage with us and meet their religious conditions. BOOM!

And what did they say? “Our (religious leader) did not tell us any of this…”

We weren’t surprised. The clergy gives religious and spiritual advice, as they should. The clergy doesn’t always dig deep enough to learn, “Is what I’m saying applicable and realistic for this person/couples life…Can they do this in real time?”

No. But we do.

Most who go to the clergy rarely get premarital counseling. The premarital advice may be sound and be a guide to a paved road to GLORY!
If we had a brick for every couple in marriage counseling with us who had been to “premarital counseling” with their pastor or imam, we could rebuild the yellow brick road!

THE HIM & I created & teach our own 6-week, State of Georgia-approved, premarital course covering eight “I-Didn’t-Even-Think-About-That” areas.  But for right now, we’re gonna give you some premarital info to help you navigate these heart highways:

1. Don’t go to premarital counseling because you PLAN to marry. 👰🏽🤵🏻Use premarital counseling to decide if ya’ll SHOULD marry each other.

2. Don’t wait until you have a wedding date, cake, dowry & the giggles to set up premarital counseling. If you do, you want premarital advice, not premarital counseling. There’s a difference! You can get good advice from a member of the clergy, married mentor or an elder. With premarital counseling, ya’ll may change or cancel that date!

3. Do not lie or embellish the truth to prevent heartache or out of fear someone won’t marry you if they know learn a previously unknown truth about you. Divorce causes more pain. 😔

4. Accept recommendations given by the premarital counselor. If you know you ain’t trying to hear it 🚫& your mind is made up, really think this through. Real talk…counseling is not meant to tell you what to do. You’re grown! However…a counselor isn’t there to lie to you because you paid them either. At least THE HIM & I don’t…

5. Know you may learn surprising 😳😔😖 information about the other person in the premarital process. Use a counselor who provides individual sessions, for each of you, so you can recover from the shock attacks you may get on the heart highway!

6. Be open! Don’t limit your thinking. Limited thinking limits your options! And we’ll guide you to the doors of LOVE Thang opportunities!  You deserve a solid plan for a happy marriage.

Believe it. Act like it. Hook up right before marrying wrong!

THE HIM & Naa’ila
“Ossie & Ruby Dee of Marriage Counseling”

What Your Daughter Won’t Dare Tell You…But You Need To Know!

Way too much relevance has been given to the influence, roll and influence of the world, social media, technology and all forms of media.
But we’re letting a greater source of power in your daughter’s life off the hook. You don’t want to do that and leave a stone unturned. This rock may be the one to hold your daughter down or to flip her over.
Mothers, that rock is YOU!

Listen to the whispered secrets, girl confessions and hurts young girls have shared with Naaila.
And then, make the change with your daughter today.

God Ain’t Piped Up Like That

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you sat in discomfort when He didn’t answer your prayer right away.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you went back to school and you trusted He’d pay the tuition.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you got the divorce because He never told you to marry that person, but He allowed you to.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you didn’t defend your child because your child needed that lesson.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you took care of your mother by yourself and watched other family members walk away.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you left that job cause it was never good for your faith and He pays your bills.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

God was pleased when you took care of your health because your body deserves honor.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

When you stayed up at night crying and praying, He knew you knew loving Him is #squadGoals.

You don’t believe it, but God is pleased with you.

Hard moments and hard choices can bring God closer even when it doesn’t feel like it.
We’ll believe it for you until you can. 

How Toxic Fam Dim Your Light

You don’t get to choose your relatives. For some folks, you would UN-choose them if you could. Not possible.
Blood ties can be confusing as you witness loved ones as very loving people. You have great memories with them from your childhood. You see them do the kindest things for one another. Their image is on favorite family photographs. Other family members have stories shared with you.
And you also hear and see the shame and judgment passed onto others.
Here are a few shiny gems for dealing with the vibranium levels of negativity from family.

  1. Admit it. You’ve been conditioned and shamed into not talking about Aunt Linda or Grandma. Good respectful relatives remain quiet about family secrets. Even when it hurts the family. You know full well how devious they can be with their tongues, but you recall their hugs and secret candies slipped into your hand as a child. You don’t have to talk about it with anyone else, particularly another family member, but be honest and crystal clear with YOU about what you see. Denial ain’t good for nobody!
  2. Set boundaries. You want to go to your niece’s graduation, family cook out or Thanksgiving dinner without the negativity, but it ain’t likely. Your fam has been a classic display of “Unforgiving Fam:The Series” for years. Not attending ain’t an option because you become the Bugga-Boo of the Family Bloodline at that point! Decide to keep your visit to a limit. Bring your potluck dish. Give your niece a congratulatory hug, gift card, smile at everyone and BE OUT! Give the gift of your presence and enjoy theirs. Even if for a New York Minute! Everyone won’t appreciate your light. Stop offering it up only to be put on dim. Be present and retain the lit parts of yourself for other areas and people in your life.
  3. Put a long-term pause on defending your right to be a person with your own mind and opinions. The judgement and shame from fam can be more taxing than the IRS. When you haven’t met their pre-set notions of success, spiritual growth, relationship know-how, perfect parenting and “what-chu-doing-with-yourself-now” status, you get differing opinions for who you shoulda been, when and how much longer you ain’t got to get it rights. This can be debilitating in life. Need help? We got chu! 
    When you hear the commentary, naturally you go into defensive mode. Put the brakes on it! Don’t get lured into the deadly endless dialogue of seeking to justify your choices.
    If that person can’t appreciate your choices for you, then…oh well. Nah…if you keep asking them for money to finance your choices…this ain’t fuh you. We expect you gon’ hear the noise. For those using their own coins for their own choices, this is for you!

    Now go and love you and those related to you as best you can. You won’t get another family!

You’ve Got 4 Months To Live

None of us know how much time we’ve got left on this side of the realm.
Only God knows.

And we know, fo’ sho, no one will get out of here alive.
For many, this feels so scrary.
For others, the time on this side is used to safeguard the time in the hereafter.
For another, there is no regard for the here, now or the hereafter.
You may meet someone who says, “It is what it is…” and lives as this phrase implies.

How you respond is how you choose to be.
The time to live can have great benefit when you use it to serve another…to hug another…to serve another.

Basically, the time you have can be a hook-up for you. All around.

Yesterday, Naa’ila’s father was given up to 4 months to live. Her father had already called for a pastor to give his last rites. We were able to witness these crucial moments in life.
And for us, it was more than an emotional and spiritual moment.
We saw it as a moment when a man was working on his relationship with God in the way he felt good. He found people who “stood in agreement” with him in these moments.

Then, he ate a whopper with cheese and fries.
And while you’re here, look for people to stand in agreement with even when you disagree.

Look for what you can agree about.

Look for ways to find these people if you don’t know how.  

Look for someone to share a whopper with cheese.
Look for people who help you work on your relationship with God.
Look for people you can help feel good.
You don’t know how many 4 months you have on this side. Use it well. 

How To Talk Without Fussing About It

It can be real hard not to say what you want to say in the heat of anger. Telling someone you have to control yourself when feeling hurt, frustrated or witnessing the same raggedy behavior from your husband or wife again will take you to another place. The Sunken Place. Tied to a chair. With toile tea cups in front of you. With no way to GET OUT.

So, Hasan and Naaila…what can I do to hold my words back and propel my thoughts forward?

Fall back. Don’t say a word.

We live in a society that encourages us to, “Say exactly what you mean…Tell it like it is…Give the brutal truth.”
Does the truth have to be brutal?

Get your words together. Nicer ones. You can’t give a peak performance in this moment. And don’t you want your husband or wife to get the fullness of how full you are? They need to hear all of dis. And in a way he or she can hear it and respond to it, which is what you really want.
Don’t just hear me. Act on what it is I’m saying. This can be a juggling act if you’ve never seen it before or don’t know how. Here’s the moment in which we come in. 
You have a better chance of making this happen if you make better word choices.

What To Do When Blended Families Don’t Blend

When mature couples marry you bring all your stuff with you, including your kids, Ex’s, in-laws and the not-so-favorite Auntie. All of these equal the normalcies of life and become the starter-kit for the new Love Thang you’re about to create.

The merging families come together for the sake of you. These folks don’t know one another. They may have had a few introductions over time, but nothing makes you family more than…well, being family!
Your family members line up for the sake of you! The line may be crooked at time. A person may be assigned a buddy for the line. Someone else will jump out of line. And it is all ok!

You will learn how to manage over time. For folks who struggle in this area, no worries. We’ve got on our superhero capes. Help is on the way!

Here are some surefire tips to consider from us:

Hater Denial

For some, the worst relationship you’ve got in your life is the one you have with yourself. You get through life, the day or a moment with others, but the chaos in your own head and heart won’t stop. The worry and overthinking continues. And continues.  You feel others are hatin’ on you. In reality, you’re hatin’ on yourself.

You feel you have no support & no one acts like they care about you, but YOU live like you can’t stand yourself. 😔You won’t try to do better. You’ve been this way for so long you’re afraid to be better. There’s alot of comfort in this mental devil you know so well.
Fear is powerful. It will hold you back from all the things you see, with your own eyes, & will make you scared to create a life without doubt or stability. Fear will make crisis mode and drama feel safe as these two use their Morphin powers to distract you from your true emotions.

What if you could meet your authentic self and not feel like running away?
You don’t want to know your own value–to see how far you can go on this life. If you did, people would expect you to live up to this principle. Over and over again! And what if you can’t? And what if you could do it, if only every now and then? Wouldn’t that feel better than the way it is now.

But what if you can come really really close to liking your life a Lil’ bit more? Just what if? You can. It would require some work and being honest with yourself more than anyone else on earth. You can do it. Are you ready to try? 

You don’t have to make promises or guarantee yourself permanent success. Just a try.

What Is A Love Check In & How To Do It

Sometimes, all your relationship needs is a tune up that begins with the right question. The questions don’t have rehearsed answers and there is no right answer. The right answer is the truth. What is your love status right now? Are you on target with your love goals?
Wouldn’t it be cool to know where the two of you would like to end up with your relationship? Sure, there are days when it feels good to go with the flow, but for how long?

Do you want to be a life-long dater or do you want to marry a person you candate for the rest of your life?

Hey…do you have any relationship goals or are we just gonna “see what happens” with us? If the two of you are on the scenic route of the relationship, do you have any idea for what you hope to see?

If not, whatever shows up may be ok for you and if so, is this fair to yourself?

What Can I Ask To Give This Love A Check In? 

Click this link to see how Hasan and Naa’ila do it in a vlog. Hasan was totally surprised and did not know what question was coming his way! How did he do? Let’s find out!