There’s something we need to talk about out here on these Heart Highways. There’s this mistaken belief that if you were the one who did the wrong, more responsibility for the relationship falls on you. Because of this rumor, there are literally thousands of couples operating from the position of “Not me! You did it.”
Folks believe, as long as they’re not the one who “did it”, there’s less for to do.
For example…Your spouse did something to hurt you. We agree your spouse needs to make amends, show remorse, learn what reassurance looks like to you and offer it to you. However, how you show up in this process plays a big role in every step of the relationship.
Consider this. How you receive their apology and remorse makes a difference. Shaming or judging someone reduces the integrity of their good intent.
The bottom line is the relationship needs your care and responsibility. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is!
When you truly think about your relationship from a sustainable perspective, you’ll begin to realize loving another person requires being loving even when you may not want to be. This is a huge responsibility to take on.
You won’t get marriage without hard moments, difficult conversations, having assumptions challenged or feeling some “kinda way”. It ain’t realistic. This is the place where rumors begin, unrealistic corners.
If your spouse is the one putting in the overtime effort due to his or her blooper, and get no acceptance of their good intent, they’ll wanna quit! Keep them encouraged to do right by you by being responsible for the relationship.
But you don’t get to sit back and to bask in their efforts and do nothing! Be relationship responsible.
Talk to you soon,
Hasan “THE HIM” and Naaila
Soo… we’ve had another busy week working with the Love Thang Village. Our folks are the best ever. Being even better is waiting for you. Last week, we had laughs, ah-ha moments and love connections, but beyond that…one thing became eye-opening for us.
HOW YOU SHOW UP MATTERS.
You see anyone can make love promises, say the right words at the right moment, but can you do this when you’re mad too? Where are your “Bae Buzz Words” when you need to show up in a situation where your spouse is showing out!
Your voice needs to sound right.
Your words have to feel right…right then.
Your face needs to look right.
You gotta generate a safe moment for your spouse to have a good experience with you despite ya’ll having a show down.
Here’s a few unproductive communication habits to be on the lookout for:
1. Trying to convince the other person you’re right. You end up going back and forth arguing or repeating the same position over and over again. It ain’t worth it. You don’t have to agree. Two opinions can exist at the same time.
2. Offering advice. Before you do anything else, listen. You could be completely wrong!
3. Immediately seeking to reassure the other person. Shocked by this one? Look, if you jump right into offering support, you can get accused of not wanting to understand or lacking empathy. Leave the floor open for the person to state where they are. Your consoling words can wait until they’re finished! This can be a way for you to create an experience with your spouse, during a sensitive matter, you never thought you could do! This is a “Don’t-Wanna-Miss-This” situation.
Please, give some real though and consideration to the type of experience you’re creating for yourself and the other person in this impressionable moments.
Give it some thought. Let us know how it works out for ya.
Talk to you soon,
Hasan “THE HIM” and Naa’ila
It’s January 2021. Give God all the praise. Somebody did not make it. You did!
Somebody doesn’t have good health. You do!
Somebody doesn’t feel like smiling. You can!
Somebody doesn’t feel loved. You can give love!
Somebody can’t read this email. You can!
For today, this is gon’ be all about what you can do. You have superpowers!
Folks tell us they love our relationship guides because it is “workable…practical.” Our goal is to make tools for real God-loving folks with real “Am-I-The-Only-One?” issues that we ain’t gonna pretend don’t exist! Cause you are not the only one!
Here’s a “But-What-Chu-Can Do” Guide for relationships with yourself and others. You’ll be one of the first to put this in action!
1. Take care of yo’ self. If you aren’t any good, no one else is either. Toss the rhetoric of what won’t get done if you don’t do it. You’re right! It won’t, but err’ thang ain’t gonna get done today! Is there food in the house? Good. Let’ em make sandwiches.
Has the laundry piled up? If you leave those clothes in the dryer, trust and believe, no one will steal them. Go sit down for 15 mins. Take a hot shower and let the water calm you. Drink a cup of tea. Sit in the sunlight.
Your son needs help with school work. We get it. But have you been so tired you didn’t smile at the child today? What’s more important, the homework or your son?
Take care of your own soul first.
2. Ask the folks around you about their life. What was a reflection they had for the day? When was the last time the person felt smart? How would the person rate their day on a scale of 1-10? Did the person feel included in life today or did it feel like life kinda existed around them.
Check in on folks without saying, “How you doing?” You’re guaranteed to get the cliche, and often unreal line, “I’m fine and you?” Sincerely let folks you love know you’re invested in them.
3. Mahnnn…let people be who they are. There will be parts of everyone you enjoy and parts…well, you could throw in the trash. You get the whole person! Guess what? Someone feels the same way about you also!
Your opinion and beliefs can exist while others have their own. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or doing anything immoral, do you! Allow others to do the same. Everyone won’t agree on what immorality is. This is another discussion, but for today, let folks be who they are, even the ones you disagree with. Arguing won’t make folks change minds.
4. Be grateful. One of the ways Naa’ila puts herself to sleep is with her gratitude list. After dabbing lavender on her wrists, turning on theta waves and resting on the pillow, she lists off her “Thankful Moments” of the day. Sometimes, its as simple as, “I’m grateful I can breathe…I’m grateful for clean sheets…I’m grateful to hear the rain…” When God know’s you’re grateful, He gives you more.
If you’ve ever felt frustrated or confused cause you had no idea how to begin small steps of self-help, now’s your chance to overcome the block forever!
Talk to you soon,
Hasan and Naaila
It’s crazy how folks look at what other people have and want the same thing without even considering it may not be for them. Have you ever seen someone be someone about the blessings of another person? Or, when they hear about another person’s “Aw Yeah” moment, they don’t hooray or toss confetti in the air.
Instead, the person makes it about them and inserts their experience with something similar. Suddenly, it becomes about how this success story ain’t all that bright. How this person needs to be careful cause someone is always being shady. How they learned their lesson…blah…blah..blah.
Real quickly, the conversation has made a turn onto Hater Highway.
You direct the person to their narrow minded beliefs. You try to change the conversation. You no longer feel comfortable.
You did all you could, but this person is stuck. You gotta leave’em there and accept folks for who they are.
Same thing goes for your marriage. To kill a relationship faster than bug spray on a fly, don’t expect your spouse to change for you. They’ll fall out on you like you sprayed Raid all over them!
Take a step back and look within. No matter how much you want your spouse to be something or someone else, all he or she will be is who they are. We’ll never tell you folks can’t shift, but they’ll do so because they wanna. It may be for you, but they WANT to do it for you.
I remember when THE HIM went to an arts festival with me. He hated err’ minute of it, but he wanted to be with me. He tried to act like he liked it to not spoil it for me. I knew the truth! I was so appreciative of the gesture, I never asked him to go again! He’s glad too! This is how you make the marriage gifts about each of you.
You have key internal gifts to use. We know you use them for many great things, but when your talents are consumed to the white meat with making another person change, you’re wasting them. You’re looking for them to do the impossible!
The evolution you seek isn’t to be found in someone else. It is within you!
Talk to you soon,
Hasan “THE HIM” and Naaila
Hello Love Thang Village,
It hasn’t been a secret, but recently, what had happened was…
Earlier in December, we held our 6th Managing The Flow relationship retreat for couples and unmarried folks. It was like a good meal…You had to be there to enjoy it! We were blessed with another sold out event and turned folks away at the last hour. We’re gonna let ya’ll in on a secret, unless you bring a bag lunch, after the catering head count has been turned in…that’s all folks! Our events has timelines, deadlines and sold out lines! Anyway…
We got a “MONDAY FREEBIE” we’re gonna let you in on cause we believe you need to be in the KNOW KNOW.
Well, after a couple of rounds, folks get comfortable, which is the intent. Discussions included money and misguided feminine energy in women. You don’t have to take a guess to know the room got warm!
A level of comfort had developed and one wife specifically began to describe her husband’s lack of ambition and how her father termed him a “John Doe” prior to marriage. In his behalf, the husband responded how he defined wealth and it was in being surrounded by his children, which he continued to play a major fatherhood role, which the wife also noted.
On the other hand, she was not to be swayed from her original point!
She felt she had not married her equal…was frustrated and felt her husband’s position created resentment in her over the years. She disclosed how sessions with Naa’ila resolved much of this as Naa’ila redirected her to herself (Ya’ll know how we do!)
When external factors such as family, societal expectations and personal preferences were removed, she was able to look at her husband differently and with Midas-touch appreciation. Might we add, this couple had been married for over 25 years! Folks, the stuff you see you don’t like is real. We’ll never tell ya it isn’t valid or uncomfortable. But there’s more behind this shameless truth. Every now and again, the unimagined raw truth folded up neatly as a complaint, concern or argument ain’t real stuff.
It’s your wants and “don’t wants” labeled differently.
Wait there’s more to this free lesson, you fail to see how your faults influence another person. How much does the other person have to switch and to flip to modify self to deal with you? Hmmmm…..
When you never see it coming, you may notice your partner is your soul mate.
The cost for this lesson? $Free.99
We pray the retreat guests had this same takeaway and others. In order to get yours, you’ll have to attend a retreat and get your own. The Hamptons, located in Long Island, NY, is the luxurious spot for the next retreat. Dat house is gonna be up one!
Until next time, take care of yourself and the villagers in your circle.
Hasan “THE HIM” and Naa’ila
6595 Roswell RD Suite G-1448 Atlanta, Ga 30328
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